I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

I hate myself, I don’t want to live anymore! I grew up without either of my parents and a with a grandmother who was emotionally not there. I got beat for nothing and I clean my entire childhood, like her maid. She took me in sheltered me for her own benefit. I hate my body I’m so disgusted with myself. I used to have the prettiest shape and now everyone tells me I have no butt and It hurts my feelings. I feel so sensitive to the smallest remarks but I can’t help it I do t wanna be like this but I can’t control it. Everyone wants to make stuff about them..but what about my Health, my opinion, my life....I feel alone and helpless even with a room full of people. I use my phone as my safe haven when I zone out. I tend to do it a lot I do t know when it started. But I don’t feel loved and I feel like a nuisance. My mother doesn’t love me she chooses guys over me. Why did I have to be born if no one wanted me. Why does everyone want to use me or only hit me when they need something. I’m no one I fucking hate myself I wish I could be invisible that how I feel! Everyone says I’m so pretty but I don’t see it. I hate I let a shitty guy take my virginity something I can never get back. It hurts so bad!! I have so many regrets I can’t take the pain. I’m scared to die but I want to. 

Wow I thought my issues with depression were serious ones but after reading what I just read from  so many of you in a sick and morbid way it makes me feel like I don't have serious issues anymore but it saddens me to read that there are so many of you with such deep pain so deep that you have made your mind up to give up to throw in the white towel and a feeling of helplessness fills me up because there are no words I can come up with that could give you just a little bit of hope just a little bit of sunshine to lighten up that dark abyss that has a hold of you and will not  release you perhaps if you could focus on something you love or a happy moment in your life maybe perhaps that one happy memory could lead you to remember something else that made you feel happy or loved but if  you cannot remember a happy thought or a feeling of  love then you are lost in darkness so then do this because there is still a way out of that dark place open your mind and open your ears and listen to those here with stories that end in positive ways listen to those who tell stories where they found hope and that hope showed them the way out listen to those who never gave up listen to those who are warriors and had to fight theire way out of that darkness listen to all of us who are alive because you cant hear the silence of the dead.  

I feel the same way . I felt like my mind swallows me whole sometimes but after reading your post I feel ashamed for even feeling any type of pain. I wish u nothing but peace in your life that's sadly full of darkness. Please keep posting let all of us be your small escape if we can do that for you it would be my pleasure sadly I have no friends and have never had any.

@Hidden username The losing of a loved one especially your offspring or a partner must be the most unbearable pain I have not experienced that or do I want to just the thought of losing my adorable pet makes me cry and feel so lonely but if there is something I can say in hopes that it may make you feel just a tiny bit better I strongly believe that they whose physical bodies the outer shell that gives our souls the shape and form of our being that we can see and feel is no more does not mean our soul has died that still lives in heaven or another dimension or another planet where ever it is they patiently wait for you to join them I don't think they want you to be sad or in such excruciating pain and sadness because the day you join them it will be forever for all eternity in a place where death is no more a place where no one sheds tears a place where only peace and harmony and joy exists forever.

THE END OF THIS LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF A GLORIOUS ONE FOR INFINITY.

@Hidden username That would be me I totally understand and respect your thoughts, feelings, and opinions and  I realize that my major depression is nowhere near yours or most of the people on here perhaps because my anti-depressant actually works for me perhaps because I have 2 therapeutic dogs that help me so much when I am feeling not so happy those 2 dogs are the best medicine my psychiatrist ever prescribed me and also because I believe in God who no matter what loves me unconditionally the same love I get from those 2 dogs I just rather spread positivity than negativity.  I hope and I wish that something beautiful happens to you and others each and everyday something that will bring a smile to your face or some warm feeling that you will feel in your heart something anything positive that can make even if it's just for one minute in the day that can make you forget Sadness, thoughts of death and hopelessness This I wish for you my friend may you find just a little tiny bit of something positive each day in your life.

@Hidden username I'm sorry for your loss and they say that time heals all wounds? Myself I don't believe that! Im 60 years old and my dad passed away when I was just 5 years old and since then I have lost 5 brothers and a little over a year ago I lost my mom which just devastated me. I was her PCA personal care attendant at the time and to this day! I keep thinking did I do something wrong or did I forget something? I think of my mother every day and when I think of all of the others I lost it hurts very badly. I know suicide is not the answer but it has crossed my mind, I have a daughter and two grandchildren and people I believe/hope that love me and I think of what that would do to them if I  committed suicide? I'm just taking life a day at a time and praying for happiness and a better life for myself which some people may consider selfish but in my eyes if I'm not doing well then I'm not good for helping people which makes me feel good 

I lost my husband the absolute love of my life 7 years ago. I was frozen for over 2 years then became involved with a much younger guy. It was mostly emotional support, very little sexual.  We have decided our relationship is just friends but I feel so lost and alone I just keep sinking back into that lonely empty place I found myself after losing my husband. I just keep losing the people I love and don’t want to be here anymore. It just hurts too much. My best friend was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer and has decided she can’t tolerate chemo. I know I’m losing her too and I just don’t know if I can do this. I have no one to talk to, no one to get thru this with. I am just lost. 

It's always hard to lose or going through losing someone you love and care for, I watched my brother go through his battle with cancer and I wish that on no one! Like you I didn't have anyone to talk with or being there for me even though I have other family members and friends, they just didn't understand and also I couldn't talk about it without crying like a baby. It felt to me like no one wanted to be around me because I was hurting and very depressed. Even when I built up the courage to talk about it,  it seemed like everytime whomever I talked with turned the subject on themselves and that was very frustrating to me. And being single just made it worse. I couldn't afford to go see a psychiatrist so I just bottled up my feelings, but I did find out just venting my situation and feelings on here has helped. I have had thoughts of suicide myself going through this but I found that for me anyways trying to focus on the positive things which at the time were hard to find! I realized that I  am a good person and a loving caring man who deserves happiness and understanding and I'm doing my best now to keep the faith and hoping I will find that special some one who will love me as much as I will love her 

I hope it helps me to vent here as well. I keep trying to shake myself out of this feeling but seems I can only maintain the desire to push forward for such a short period of time. It feels phony and stiff because inside I am so terribly sad and lonely. 

I feel like killing myself many times. I'm not quite sure why I just don't end it. But I guess I still have that tiny glimmer of hope that my life will someday have some happiness in it.