I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

@Tamra1 life can unjustly be very caustic and crude. The darkest and most vulnerable portions of our lives are out on display for the savaged and cruel to prey on . I too, have experienced the injustices of how society can destroy a person’s joys. Laughter, warmth, well being and spirit and soul. However, you preserver to thrive and continue on with your life. Don’t forget who you are. And don’t forget to breathe. Listen to your heart.

@clareveronica Your compassion, empathy and willingness to listen is indeed a sign of human kindness. I commend you on your efforts to reach out to those in need.

I too suffer with depression and anxiety. I tried to end my life on June 11 2020 but my daughter called 911 and saved my life. I have been angry about being alive since then. It is hard to get out of bed. I will go days without a shower or brushing my teeth. Most recently I have been choking when I eat my dinner. My son-in-law has saved my life on two occassions. Sometimes I have trouble controlling my bladder. I work two part time jobs that don't pay enough to help me get by. I have no health insurance and financial troubles, My cars license expired last May and I don't have money to get it renewed. I'm on medication but they don't help - I have develped tics I think  because of my medicine. 

I feel the same way, there's emptiness

I don't even know why I'm here. Boredom, I guess. I just really wish I could stop living. I have tried 3 different times to kill myself and they were all stopped. It's not fair. I'm just done with life. All my life I have hated myself. I don't know why. I second guess everything I ever say or do. This has led to me being an extreme introvert. This never has completely gone away. The only time it did was when I met the love of my life. She understood me and was the only person who ever made me think that I was worthy of love. I waited almost 29 years to find someone like that and when I did, I finally thought there was a chance for me. That was just stupid though. I was never meant to be happy or loved. After waiting almost 29 years, I had her for 1 year 7 months 18 days, and then she unexpectedly passed away. It's not fair. Why? Forget it. Just wanted to type this down somewhere. There is no hope. There is no happiness. I don't deserve it anyway.

The only thing that is stopping me from killing myself is the fear of going to hell instead of heaven. I don’t want to live anymore and I pray every night that I’ll just die by accident, or by covid, anything to have made it not my choice and just be relieved of all of my mental and physical suffering. I don’t want to just merely exist anymore. I don’t have the energy or care enough to make my life worth living again. To hang out with friends, meet the love of my life, get married, have kids. None of it seems to matter to me anymore. What if I were to have a kid and pass on my bipolar disorder to them like my dad did to me. My dad have never had kids. He ended his life due to his bipolar disorder and left me to figure it out all on my own. I wouldn’t wish this upon even my worst enemies. I feel scared to go out and create a life for myself because I don’t think I can trust myself anymore. What if I have another manic episode and ruin everything in my life again that is good? I don’t want to go through that pain of losing people all over again. So what’s the point. I can’t handle the level of guilt I feel after coming down from an episode and realizing everything that I’ve done. Sometimes I think I’m probably just too hard on myself and some of those things weren’t as embarrassing as I think they were in the eyes of other people. I think the hardest part is not remembering things, and not knowing what you did in those periods of time that was blacked out. I can’t drink alcohol anymore either because every time I do I feel nothing but guilt about every stupid thing that I said and did while intoxicated, even if they weren’t that bad. Even if I wasn’t even that drunk. I always just assume the worst no matter what. I would like to have a support group of people that feel the same way and struggling with the same illness as me. I think that would help me to feel like I’m not alone, and that my actions weren’t entirely my fault. It was just a result of bipolar disorder and I couldn’t help it. And I can’t expect the world to always understand that. I can’t expect anything out of anyone ever again because all it leads to is disappointment, and hating myself for ever thinking for a minute that it was going to end differently.  I don’t know if I’ll ever feel happy. I don’t know if I’ve even ever felt real happiness, or if every “happy” memory I have was actually just mania, not real joy. 

I tried doing the suicide by COVID thing, but apparently I can't get it because I smoke cigarettes. 9 out the the 12 people who live in my house got it. The 3 that didn't were the 3 smokers in the house. I even went without a mask when I was in COVID isolation, but I still couldn't get it.

I used to date a bipolar woman. During her manic phase she was so fun to be around. But during her depressive phase I couldn't get her to talk to me. She just curled up in a ball and slept all the time. She too suffered from guilt problems. I kept trying to get her to talk to me about her guilt, but she never opened up about it. I still feel to this day that if she just would have talked to me about I could have helped her get through it. Eventually I gave up trying. Relationships aren't possible without communications. So if I could give you one word of advice it would be to talk to someone about it. Someone else can help you realize how much you are blowing things out of proportion. In some ways I envy you. You get the manic high that I never get. I am always stuck in the depressive state.

@Brooke2329 you are too hard on yourself, and if you give up now because of fear, you will never have all those wonderful things you want. I'm here if you want to talk. Please hang in there...

i always feel like the world is against me and that i really don’t have anyone to talk too. i suffer a lot from PPD and anxiety. i want to try to take medications and see if that helps, if anyone has can u please respond and let me know how it worked for you. family problems, relationships problems, body image problems and the list goes on