Patients Behavioural disorders / Mental illness
Am I toxic?
- 423 views
- 20 times supported
- 29 comments
Since I was young I have always been involved in mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationships, starting with my mom she didn't really want to take the time to understand what it was I was going through or felt, so she chose to isolate me from my brother and sister, she rejected me a lot, and from there I chose to fill a void with relationships that I quickly became so consumed by, my first mentally abusive relationship was when I was 12, I was pursured by a man 8 years older then me(he was 21) it felt nice to have someone older want to be with me. Our first sexual encounter, I don't remember honestly because I passed out. I told him repeatly I was not feeling well, he told me he would take care of me, and then next thing I woke up in his bedroom naked. I felt violated I wanted to press charges but after speaking to him, I was convinced it was okay because he loved me. And for years after I accepted anything done against me is out of love. I'm 24 now, I was in a very abusive relationship which I now left with two children, I was beaten frequently infront of my children, I was also raped once in front of my oldest. But I stayed for years thinking it was okay, because he would always say he "loves me". I finally decided to leave once I realized how affected my oldest child was, she started developing signs of anxiety, starting ripping her hair out and becoming aggressive, and at that point I realized I didn't want to ignore her like my mom ignored me.
I'm in a healthy relationship now, but I still feel so depressed sometimes, I feel so lost, so alone, so useless. But I wake up everyday to handle my daily life for my kids even if I break down in the bathroom a few times a day. I fake a smile when my boyfriend gets home or when I'm around my family but I feel so torn with myself. Am I toxic? I can't sleep at night cause all I can do is think of everything I've ever went through over and over, and think of things I should of done but never did, and wonder if I was really just a naive kid, or did I deserve everything because I should of known better. I don't know, I just feel the need to talk about this cause I'm always keeping everything inside.
All commentsGo to the last comment
I was diagnosed bipolar in my late teens or early twenties twenties, I can't remember the incident as far as detail and reasoning and I knew I was off since kindergarten. I have been with the same psychiatrist 15 years I really like her or at least I always have liked her. One thing I was never fond of there is always a revolving door as far as therapists I treasured my relationship with my psychiatrist. I've been talking to her lately and I feel like she doesn't get it I don't think I am merely bipolar I've been watching a lot of mental health videos lately because I'm lost and I see I have some not all characteristics to bipolar anger maybe even narcissism. I've been bringing up my confusion my anger oh, nice short-tempered Ness how I feel evil inside , and I feel like she gives me pass she is constantly correcting me no Christine it's normal to feel that way you have a very stressful life, Christine you're sleeping is impaired due to your special needs granddaughter it is not your fault she's constantly telling me she doesn't know how I do it. I am appreciative that she sees the good in me the very nurturing and loving me and that I do have a empathetic heart but I don't think she gets the whole picture even with my surrounding circumstances. I'm right now in the process of looking for a new psychiatrist and I kind of feel guilty for it I also think I need more in-depth therapy and it never gets to that level with a revolving therapist
I am toxic. I know it. I try not to inflict it on others.
See the signature
I’ve always been different I knew it as a teenager but I wasn’t technically diagnosed with bipolar to until I was in my 30s. I was in very toxic relationships as a child a stepfather who physically and sexually abused me a mother who was emotionally unavailable due to the alcoholic other parent and I was depressed one minute or one day and the next I felt fine. I attempted suicide three times from the age of 12 to the age of 16 and my parents also chose to ignore it and sweep it under the rug because when I was that age it was a disgrace to your family if you had a mental illness. I did not get any type of therapy until I went after leaving my first husband who is 13 years older than me and I an abusive alcoholic as well and I left him with my three children who my head by the age of 21. Well the children were babies and growing up I hate the fact of my mental illness and the children kept me going. When the children were 35 and seven I met another man and it was also a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic and I stayed with him for 24 years. I am now Single at the age of 56 and I have tried dating but just can’t seem to get past my relationship with my ex-husband. I don’t know if it’s loud or if it’s obsession with him but the therapist I have now is helping. I also went back to school and have my masters degree and general psychology so that kind of Helps a little to. So no you’re not toxic it’s sometimes is situational and environmental and has to do with the relationships we get ourselves into. Just know you have a great support system here with all of us.
See the signature
About to buy a house with someone I don't even want to be married to anymore. I hate where we live, I like the house but I'm dreading the actual purchase. We've been having problems for years and she can't even tell her parents she's looking for a house. They are in Poland and they rely on the European Union for everything. We're in the United States and don't. She won't go to marriage counseling and is looking to the house to cure what ails the marriage. Any suggestions would be welcome.
@Witchy65 My parents and family tried to sweep my depression under the rug also. They tried every means at their disposal to ignore the whole thing. I know what it feels like to be invalidated both from parents and by a spouse or spouses. It's a horribly lonely place.
What if after almost 43yrs you just learn that God isn't taking people out of my life he's taking me out of theirs and why you say because it's ovius I'm the toxic one
See the signature
Hi @JeniferSchwab, I've moved your comment to this discussion where members are talking about feeling toxic. I'm sorry you feel this way.
Has anyone else felt like this? What made you feel this way? What has helped you to overcome this way of thinking?
@Nicholsrena @Mdye1978 @jesbrown22 @eeemmm @cassandrag22 @Deanna71 @Lwshine @Mrlonliman @chessamay1 @plutoandfriends @Vdksutton @Juicy123 @wdutt69 @Kenziesallee @CathyLarson840 @NonShiningJewel
Feel free to share any experiences, support or advice with us here!
See the signature
Courtney_J, Community Manager, Carenity US
I’ve been sitting here in my car just waiting and hoping that my wife can be strong through all this stuff we’re going through we’ve been going to church this past couple weeks stop drinking cut all of our bad vibes your way but we’re starting to get attacked by a lot of different things one problem after another and we’re trying to stay so strong but today we got attacked really hardFrom the past something that happened like six years ago some thing that I did when we first started dating I’m trying everything in my power to not let this Demon win I tried to talk to her I have no lies everything that’s been said is the truth but right now I feel like she’s not thinking clearly and the devil is speaking for her trying to break us apart because we’ve been so strong and I’m scared she’s going to go back to the old ways and I don’t know what to do I’m trying to talk to her but she won’t listen to me all she’s doing is yelling and saying hurtful things to push me away if I leave that I give up on everything that we’ve built and how far we’ve come but I know my fight won’t be over because I have to fight all alone but that’s not what I want I want to fight this battle with her but if I go back she doesn’t want to fight this battle with me anymore and I don’t know what to do do I walk away and fight this battle alone or do I try to fight for usAnd try to show her that I’m here
when things go wrong I believe it is my fault. That i am severely flawed. A friend of 25 years doesn't want to see me anymore because of a political disagreement. She has been lecturing me and insulting me repeatedly and I got sick of it and told her that her news sources where like the National Enquirer and she should check her facts. She has hurt me a lot but somehow I feel like I am the only one at fault.
Hey everyone! I wanted to give this discuss more spotlight.
@Dr.WhoPeggygmail.com @DavidAPatterson @mrscarone @PrincessEmi @XGraceX @charding8290 @Country115 @bonkistobias♡ @RuSaved1 @katiebell4606 @kmpage03 @fozzy2blue @Cindyann
Do you ever feel toxic? What makes you feel that way? Share your story!
Polina from the Carenity team
Give your opinion
Members are also commenting on...
Articles to discover...
10/29/2018 | Testimonial
06/14/2018 | News
04/26/2018 | News
09/16/2023 | Nutrition
09/09/2023 | News
09/04/2023 | Advice
08/28/2023 | Advice
08/26/2023 | Nutrition
You wish to be notified of new comments
You have been subscribed