Someone to talk to/offer advice


Patients Behavioural disorders / Mental illness

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Topic of the discussion

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           Hello, this is my first time saying anything here, before I was just reading other's stuff. I signed up and made an account here in September when I was feeling like I wanted to die, I wasn't brave enough to make a post like I wanted to though. I got this account, cause I wanted help, and to be able to talk about my problems, without being a burden. I didn't want to be the therapy friend who's only and always asking for advice and crying. 

I guess I want to introduce myself a little, give some background to start. Hi, I go by ShyPanda here. I have a mental disorder called Pandas, which is basically extreme ocd, anxiety, adhd, and depressive moods. It comes from strep when your body accidently fights off the wrong thing and ends up attacking your brain. Pandas also affects your learning ability in interpretation and one of the big symptoms for it is if your handwriting suddenly gets really different and messy. If you catch pandas fast enough it can be more easily treated with medicines and stuff before it gets worse, but unfortunately that didn't happen for me.

I'm about to be 19 now, but I still feel 14, and I'm still panicking about having nothing figured out.  I can't take people calling me 18 or an adult, it hurts and causes me to panic more. I still don't see my reflection as myself, but I know it is and so I hide from it so I don't have to be reminded about what a failure I feel I am. I just want to be a kid, but I'm technically not, I still hate making decision, I still feel I'm a burden, and I still don't know how to have a regular conversation with a person. The voices in my head just won't be quiet, and I have to use distractions to tune them out, and forget about my life, it's the only way I can manage. I have so may things I want to do, but I'm just always depressed and not motivated and I don't know how to make it better.

We just got out of a multiple day snowstorm that knocked out the power, and it was awful. I wasn't able to get most of my distractions, it was so cold, and I was spiraling so much. The voices were calling for self harm and death again but I didn't want that, I just wanted it to stop. I was able to restrain myself, and fortunately the power came back this morning and I sped for an outlet, a distraction. But now I just feel so awful again, and I just don't know what the point of anything is. I want to accomplish these hobby projects of mine, but I'm just never motivated, I'm always crying, and dealing with self hatred. I missed my therapy appointment yesterday -_-

So for some reason getting this all out again feels good, talking to someone , I hope this wasn't too awkward or bad. So, thanks for listening/reading. Got any advice for my pretty general issues that feel like they shouldn't cause me as much pain as they do. How do I motivate myself or just push myself to try? Any good advice for working on my self worth, talking to people? Any advice of good things to try when I'm feeling panicky or spiraling again?

Once again thank you <3

Beginning of the discussion - 2/7/22

Someone to talk to/offer advice

Posted on

Hi ShyPanda,

You've given me a lot to unpack here. Strap in, because I tend to write long posts. Its very exciting to be able to talk with someone who has PANDAS. It is not a condition that I get to interact with often. The first thing I'd like to say is thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to reach out and make yourself vulnerable. I'm so glad you decided to share with us.

Please keep in mind that I'm not a professional but I would like to share with you what I have learn through research and life experiences. I will return your introduction in kind. My name is Kai, I'm 36 years old and I have treatment-resistant Bipolar Disorder 1 with mixed features. I also battle PTSD. So trust me when I say that I am keenly familiar with some of the symptoms you listed.

Let's get one thing straight... You. Are. Not. A. Burden. There are people who love you, who are glad you exist, and who would let you come to them in a time of need. Sometimes life is very heavy and we need help to carry it. There is no shame in this. I hope that you can make a habit of telling yourself "I am not a burden", it seems silly but words have power.

Let me tell you a secret, you don't have to have everything figured out by the time you're 18. I still consider 18 to be very young. Everyone develops differently in life, so some people are "prepared" for life on their own at 18, some are not. Most of my friends didn't find their footing until their mid-to-late 20's. I didn't move out of my childhood home until I was 24. So its OK to feel the way you feel about your age.

My first tip is to make extra effort to get to your therapy appointments. I can totally emphasize with how difficult it is some days, to drag yourself there or to beat down the anxiety of going. But therapy is important for equipping you with the tools necessary for dealing with life and all its stressors.

My second tip is to learn mindfulness meditation. It isn't a cure all and, admittedly, it isn't for everyone. That being said, I have found great benefit from learning mindfulness. This practice is so easy to pick up and there are endless resources online that can help teach you. Mindfulness teaches us to insert a tiny pause in our overactive minds. And thats a very useful thing.

I am like you, I require a lot of distraction from my overactive mind. If I don't have these distractions, the thoughts in my head can become overwhelming. Distraction aren't necessarily a bad thing, they can make one very productive, but distractions do not address the issue. I like to challenge myself from time to time by sitting with myself without any distractions. This is where mindfulness comes in handy.

I also really struggle to motivate myself. I have a ton of things I would like to do but there's no drive to push me along. For me, this is mostly a symptom of my Bipolar Depression, so its hard to combat. I rely on medication to treat this. I wish I knew of other ways.

In closing, you still have a lot of time to figure out life. You're not a failure just because that time isn't now. Don't be afraid to lean on your friends if you need them. True friends will let you know they are willing to be there for you. It seems like writing has made you feel better, so maybe pick up the habit of writing more. Journaling is a great way to keep track of your moods.

My heart goes out to you as you wrestle with these issues. It takes a truly strong person to endure the things we endure, so please be proud of yourself. I hope you are able to find something useful in this giant wall of text!

Someone to talk to/offer advice

Posted on

Oh Kai said it all. With this being your first post it's a very good post. Iti tells us who you are and how you feel so we can get to know you and keep in touch. I've not heard of PANDAS. It sounds awful. I'm so sorry your going through this. Hopefully being in this group will help you get over the hard times. You can get on anytime you want and scream for help and someone will be here for you.

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