Am I toxic?
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Thaliamv
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Thaliamv
Last activity on 05/01/2021 at 5:25 PM
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15 comments posted | 11 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group
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Since I was young I have always been involved in mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationships, starting with my mom she didn't really want to take the time to understand what it was I was going through or felt, so she chose to isolate me from my brother and sister, she rejected me a lot, and from there I chose to fill a void with relationships that I quickly became so consumed by, my first mentally abusive relationship was when I was 12, I was pursured by a man 8 years older then me(he was 21) it felt nice to have someone older want to be with me. Our first sexual encounter, I don't remember honestly because I passed out. I told him repeatly I was not feeling well, he told me he would take care of me, and then next thing I woke up in his bedroom naked. I felt violated I wanted to press charges but after speaking to him, I was convinced it was okay because he loved me. And for years after I accepted anything done against me is out of love. I'm 24 now, I was in a very abusive relationship which I now left with two children, I was beaten frequently infront of my children, I was also raped once in front of my oldest. But I stayed for years thinking it was okay, because he would always say he "loves me". I finally decided to leave once I realized how affected my oldest child was, she started developing signs of anxiety, starting ripping her hair out and becoming aggressive, and at that point I realized I didn't want to ignore her like my mom ignored me.
I'm in a healthy relationship now, but I still feel so depressed sometimes, I feel so lost, so alone, so useless. But I wake up everyday to handle my daily life for my kids even if I break down in the bathroom a few times a day. I fake a smile when my boyfriend gets home or when I'm around my family but I feel so torn with myself. Am I toxic? I can't sleep at night cause all I can do is think of everything I've ever went through over and over, and think of things I should of done but never did, and wonder if I was really just a naive kid, or did I deserve everything because I should of known better. I don't know, I just feel the need to talk about this cause I'm always keeping everything inside.