Am I toxic?

I think it started when I was younger, I would rip my hair out or harm myself because it felt like this overwhelming thing just sitting on my chest that I didn't know how to escape I just always had this sense of "paranoia" at least that's how it feels, where I was always self conscious and thinking people were talking or staring or trying to get me or hurt me, I would hear things or see things. My mom is very judgemental, so I felt this constant rejection and hate and anger towards her, once I got older and tried to explain to her what I went through and how I felt she didn't accept it, told me I need to grow up and stop being weak. So that's pretty much what I tried to do. Either way I was going to be a mom for the first time and I just wanted to feel like I had a mom for once. So we said we'd never talk about it and we never did anymore.

thanks so much for the responses today I have really hit bottom seem like no one cares why do I even try

@CharleneBM I care, I may not know you, but I think everyone matters, even when we feel low, at least being here, we know we aren't alone, and we know we have a whole community that understands us.

@CharleneBM I care, I may not know you, but I think everyone matters, even when we feel low, at least being here, we know we aren't alone, and we know we have a whole community that understands us.

@CharleneBM I care, I may not know you, but I think everyone matters, even when we feel low, at least being here, we know we aren't alone, and we know we have a whole community that understands us.

@CharleneBM I care, I may not know you, but I think everyone matters, even when we feel low, at least being here, we know we aren't alone, and we know we have a whole community that understands us. ❤️

You sound like an HSP (highly sensitive person) I was born one and with a guy it's even worse, we are expected to be strong and put on a brave face even when all we want to do is get out of the room.  You might try checking out some of the HSP web sites, we're coming out of the closet finally, even guys.  I can't deal with crowds either and parties end me.  I need quiet most of the time.  I worked in a call center a few times and they were the worst jobs I ever had.  We can deal with people but only in small doses.  You sound like you startle easily also, I have that problem too.  Someone slams a door and I jump.  Our nervous systems are always on high alert, hypervigilant as it's known.  There were some parties I attended around Christmas where I really had to hide in the lobby or men's room just to get away from the noise.   

@CharleneBM Trust me, we care Charlene, some of us have been there more than once.  I know I have been.  

Thanks so much u have no idea u have talk to me more than my own family has about my anxiety they think i need to get out more so I jus stopped talking to them altogether. Again thank u