Patients Behavioural disorders / Mental illness
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Since the end of October, my eating disorder has relapsed. I won’t eat everything all day, or if I have to eat in front of others I will makes myself sick, even at work or when I am out. But I do it so discreet that no one has suspected. I have lost a lot of weight. I fit size 2 clothes, xs shirts and coats and I can even fit in my size one jeans. Late at night if I am under stress I will eat so much and get rid of it. I end up telling everyone I’m on a diet but that’s not the truth. I spend all day with a mask. A smile and positive personality, yet behind the mask, I’m not happy and feel fat, anxiety, and stress. It’s pain I can’t get rid of that’s eating me up. I can’t even sleep. Sometimes I wish I could scream but I keep all my emotions under lock and key to the point I feel numb. Sometimes I would rather feel numb then feel pain.
Hi @Tiffany I am sorry to hear that it has relapsed. How did you combat it last time successfully? How are things with you and your partner?
Hi @Tiffany I know your pain. I struggle with an eating disorder, but have never been officially diagnosed with one. I do not make myself sick, but I eat very little and tend to have half the day go by before I consume my first meal. I am trying to do better at this... I read your testimonial and you are so strong and courageous. I hope we can pull through this.
I am trying to take small steps in consuming more and more each day and mentally it is struggle because I am worried about gaining weight. Are you worried about that also?
Last time I combat this was when I was getting help from eating disorder programs and institution. After I had been taking weight loss meds to lose weight. Over time minor slip ups always occurred. But now it’s gotten bad. My relationship with my fiancé is fine. I have been able to hide it from him very well. But recently he has been thinking I’m not eating which has worried him. So I would eat in front of him and then I would make myself sick without him knowing or thinking of me struggling. If he knew I was struggling he wouldn’t understand and would call me an anorexia freak and try and force me to eat. So I don’t want him to find out
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I have been officially diagnosed in the past. I am having a relapse. I do feel fat and don’t want to gain any weight. Anxiety has been causing more to my stress. I’ve been through so much that I have just been burying my pain hoping it would go away but I can’t so now by making my self sick at night when everyone is asleep helps relieve stress. I hate myself and think I am fat and ugly. I will not eat all day and when I do it will be at midnight and I will get sick after. Or i would just not eat at all for all day and night. I can’t cry anymore and yet I feel like it. I haven’t cried in a long time and I’m afraid if I do, it won’t stop.
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@Tiffany I am sorry. Do you feel your fiance understands or sympathizes with what you struggle with... depression and eating disorder and social anxiety?
Have you ever thought of maybe going / seeking counseling and bringing him a long so perhaps he can better understand what you are struggling with and can be of more support? I am just thinking maybe him and you fighting this together could be beneficial... I am sorry you are struggling with this again!
Honestly I am uncertain about it and afraid.
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