I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

I turned 50 today. If I died, they’d find me when I would get evicted. There isn’t a person on the planet that cares about me. I am broke, unemployed, completely alone and I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I am worthless and unloveable. I hate everything about myself. I wish I could rip the skin off my body. I hate myself. 

@Punkinpie I cant afford a psychiatrist right now. When I have enough money, I'll look into one. Thank you.

There are places you can go to get free meds, therapy, etc. Check into it! 

I am taking olanzapine tablets is it enough for my minor depression.

I am taking olanzapine tablets is it enough for my minor depression.

I read a lot of comments on here to see what people had to say and what they got in return. I don't talk about my problems with people because I feel they don't matter, but I think it's cool that people can post stuff here just to let it out, even if they don't get a response. I grew up being unwanted in several ways. I was born in Hawaii from a Hawaiian mother and a white father. I took after my dad more so I was really pale and not really social. The reality of Hawaii is that Hawaiians/locals don't really like "haoles" which is a word for foreign white people. My mom put me in a Hawaiian school and even though I have Hawaiian blood, I was hated and bullied by most of the kids and the adults glared at me and didn't want their kids around me. My own mother made me wear jackets and sweaters to hide my shoulders during school picture taking because they were "too white." My mom and sisters always joked that I should get a tan cause I was too pale. I stopped going outside. I didn't want to go to the beach because all I felt were eyes on me. I've always been really small so it made it easier for kids to physically hurt me. They don't teach people a lot about Hawai'i but it's not paradise. The corruption is hidden by the fake paradise people label Hawai'i to have. I grew up being hated at school and then I went home to a family I didn't feel like I fit in, and to top it off my parents fought 24/7 and my mom was drunk, abusive and suicidal. When I was 13 and my sister was 10, she tried to hang herself in front of us. I don't know how I did it but I somehow grabbed that woman, took the noose from around her neck and drug her off the ladder. Just seeing my sister fall to her knees crying and screaming at the sight gave me some kind of inhuman strength. She abused my sister and I both mentally and physically. My dad would get mad when we chose to stand by her when they fought but I don't think he understood how terrified we were of her. If we acted against her, she wouldn't feed us and she would ignore us for days until finally demanding an apology from us. Nights she did feed us, she was drunk and the food was hard to eat. It was disgusting. She forced us to eat it and if we didn't, she either beat us or told us to go to bed without eating. I was thankful when I got older and I was able to cook for my sister and I. I grew up having a hard time with showing affection because my mom would beat us for whatever reason, apologize and hug us because she felt bad, then start to explain what we did was wrong and then get angry again talking about it and then she'd beat us more. I tried my best to take most of the beatings to protect my sister. I'm in my mid 20's now and i've never talked to anyone about all of it. Friends never really want to deal with your problems or know what to say. My dad helped me go to school on a different island so I could get away and it helped a lot but I was depressed all the time even after I graduated. I moved to the mainland to live with friends so I could leave Hawaii and live an easier (cheaper) life. I worked a crazy factory job that left me in intense pain and was so exhausting all I did was work, eat and sleep but it helped me feel less useless. Like I was actually doing something and not just sitting around feeling depressed. I'm scared to rely on meds to help my depression and anxiety. Does it get better? Are people really satisfied with their life? Is it fine to work mediocre jobs to get by? I'm constantly worried about what lies ahead. 

Life is can really be difficult to process it feels like I’m dead inside yet I’m still living

@ImKiwi All of your reactions are very normal, unfortunately you are surrounded by people who are toxic.  Depression is our mind's way of telling us we're in the wrong place and in the wrong environment.   Depression is your friend believe it or not, it's putting the brakes on and saying get out of where you are and come to a place like this forum.   Sorry the other person who posted is very insensitive.  You'll find that on sites like this one.  I reported them, their comment is way out of line.   

@castledepress‍ press Thank you for your response i've never looked at depression in that perspective. You are so very right I guess in a way depression saved me. Thank you. I do expect people would take their anger out on this site, sadly.

@ImKiwi Think of depression as your brain's GPS telling you that you are heading the wrong way and need to alter your environment.  Most people think of depression as a bad thing, but like fear it serves a very useful purpose.