I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

Thanks for sharing what you're going through and I truly hope it helps you to vent what's going on with you. If you don't mind me giving you a suggestion? I have a couple of friends who go through similar situations as you do, they've been through a lot just like you and they learned to put the past behind them knowing that if they don't then they will never be able to move forward with their lives and it hasn't been easy for them to do as you can imagine. They have a few tricks to help them out, for example they try to think of anything positive that has happened in their lives and if they can't do that in the moment they have a special item like a medallion or pictures or a capor a T shirt from Happy occasion from their lives some are from when they were kids others from the present and it seems to help them a lot it's obviously not a cure but it helps! They also volunteer helping other's like at church or homeless people serving lunch. I hope this might help you? But please remember that you're a special person and you have a lot of potential and your life is definitely worth living 

I'm tired of fighting at night with myself. If I could just be literally punished by someone who really loves and cares enough to and truly fuss at me believe that would be a start because I will be able to scream and cry all the pain, physical, emotional,and mental pain out of me.😭😭😭

@Hidden username How about understanding instead of being punished which you seem to be doing quite well on your own.  

@Veaflang7‍ How can I  scream and cry it all out with just understanding? I need physical pain in order to get the deep rooted emotional and mental pain. It has gotten me all bent out of shape and desperately need some relief.

@Hidden username Are you seeing a therapist?  

@Hidden username Screaming and crying is fine but is it providing any kind of relief?  You might need to shift your focus.  In the late 60's there was something called primal scream therapy which was so so, it was certainly primal but didn't necessarily yield the best results.  How do you feel after you punish yourself?  Is there a release?  

@Veaflang7‍ It will if I am able to get it channeled out right by someone who really cares for/about and loves me. I basically do more fighting with myself than I do punishing me myself because it seems to help more if it came from someone else because that person ould be fussing at me as well.

@Hidden username Thank you for sharing. I feel your pain and I struggle with forgiving myself and others for past events as well. Your discourse inspired me to do some research on forgiveness. My favorite quote is from Dale Carnegie who said, "When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health and our happiness. Our enemies would dance with joy if only they knew how they were worrying us, lacerating us, and getting even with us! Our hate is not hurting them at all, but our hate is turning our days and nights into a hellish turmoil."

Sometimes our enemies include ourselves if we can't forgive ourselves too. I appreciate you sharing your pain and I will keep you in my prayers once I am able to forgive God.

Thank u. I'm in such a deep hole Right now and the only way I can start to come out is to have someone who loves n cares about me enough to really fuss at me and lay me over their lap and literally spank my bare bottom cherry red and get me to cry it all out n scream it out and not to stop until I do. I'm being honest and serious n real here.

@Hidden username Have you actually ever done therapy?