I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

@Bert74 I totally get being crazy in your own brain and being the family buffer. I am always the buffer in my family and always the one who has to do anything everyone else doesn't want to do. Now it has gotten worse because my dad has 2 types of lung cancer in both lungs. Also i am the one who gets yelled at, talked down to and blamed for about stuff other do. Today I seriously wanted to go through with well you know. Anyway I am still upset about going off on my dad and mom but I am sticking up for myself and they have to realize I can't be everything or do everything for everyone when I am emotionally, physically and mentally drained. 

@DD2416 Is there any way to move to an upstairs room?  The basement might be too much of a replication of what's going on in your mind.  As for your husband not understanding, my entire family never understood my mental health issues and kept telling me to just snap out of it.  My wife told me that people who are contemplating suicide should just be able to go ahead and do it.  I had to ask her twice because I couldn't believe what I heard the first time.  So according to her I should just go and off myself.  I found out what my marriage was about when I went into therapy and she refused to come with me for couples counseling.  I know how you feel about your husband not understanding.  

@Ayla_Anniki Sorry you are being turned into the scapegoat.  It's a terrible feeling especially when you don't have your own resources and can't get away from it.  When my stepbrother was killed in Vietnam my stepmother took out her grief on me while my father basically stood and did nothing.  I was always the family scapegoat and I had no where else to go.  You are the weak link and vulnerable to all the anger so they direct it all to you.  

@KokoValRey What do you do for a living?  Or how to you occupy your time?  Or how would you like to occupy your time?

@castledepress you are so right. I am the most sensitive in my family also my siblings are mad because when I had my heart transplant I got a lot of attention but I never asked for it. I just don't know what to do about it because I love my family and when I get upset about it and show they just say I am being dramatic. 

@castledepress that’s horrible to hear from someone who is supposed to love you I am sorry to hear that.  There really isn’t anywhere upstairs for me and I choose to move down here,  I feel comfortable and peaceful, its been 4 years and it’s a finished basement kinda like a studio apartment so I feel kinda independent and happy to be alone. I decorated with positive quotes and my sons pictures and it’s bright and airy with butterflies on the walls.  I made it happy and bright with my favorite things to remind me to breath and see the good.  Everyday is a struggle but I try to make my surroundings remind me of who I am inside my heart so my head doesn’t have all the power, I have a nice backyard and spend time out there a lot when the weather is good,. Is visit my mom often which uplifts me, she my best friend and total support system, as well as my aunt who suffers from depression as well, great support from her.   This forum helps tremendously because I’ve tried therapy and it just makes me more stressed, I know I need therapy but I prefer it this way, talking to wonderful people who understand and not feel so alone.

@DD2416 I'm glad you were able to make the space your own and the location doesn't bother you.   Thanks for your vote of sympathy.  I was really shocked also that she said that but I found out beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly what she thinks of me.  I'm her trophy husband, and as long as I look good and smile she's happy to show me off.  I think she's just happy not to have been stuck with a Polish guy since they're known abusers.  She can claim to have made good in America and to have married an American man who doesn't beat her up (at least not yet) She's Polish but "escaped" Poland which is a "man's" country and men control everything.  

You had a heart transplant and your family is jealous about the attention you received?  I know you don't like the spotlight but dear, you had a heart transplant which decades ago was unheard of, and the survival rate was way low for those lucky enough to have gotten one.  And they say to just get over it?  No.  This isn't a thing.  This was like my family telling me to just get over my suicidal depression.  This wasn't just a appendix removal, this was a major organ, like the one that keeps you alive.  I know your mother is your support system, does the rest of your family put a strain on you at all?   If your siblings are jealous about the attention you got after such an operation there is a problem there.  A heart transplant isn't just about an organ, it's about an entire change to your mental and physical state.   You faced mortality.  How many in your family had to look death in the face?  

@Jtgirl7706 what are you talking about? Did you read some bad responses or suggestions? Or have you gotten some bad advice yourself. I hope you don't judge all of us if you're ran into a few people who don't understand you or are just plain asses! For the most part I have received support and caring advice and people who understand where I'm coming from and what I'm going through. I truly hope you find whomever you can relate with and or understands you. God Bless 

Depression is like an unwanted houseguest that you cannot evict who shows up without warning, takes over the room and only leaves when it’s good and ready but promises to return without warning and without invitation.   

i feel abandoned. I was adopted when I was a baby, and my birth mom kept her other two kids. I have a relationship with them and I know shes struggling but I am too. I know nothing about my birth father, and I just learned I have an older brother who was also adopted. I want to find him and my dad but Im scared of what they will think about me. My adoptive family is all white, where as I am Native american and filipino. I feel cut off from my culture and family. I have no one to talk to about this and have struggles so much with suicide, depression and anxiety. I dont know what to do. I just feel alone and worthless