Patients Multiple sclerosis
Topic of the discussion
Posted on 1/7/20 6:26 AM
My wife and I have been married over 30 years. A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with MS and has, what they called, innumerable lesions on her brain. I have been watching her decline over the last couple of years, it’s been somewhat rapid and it brings tears to my eyes sometimes, which I hide from her. I have pretty much cared for her, looked out for her and just tried to do my best to make sure she is ok. We have had financial issues for awhile, I have done my best to carry that burden and not expose her to unnecessary stress. About 2 years ago the finances started becoming overwhelming. I ended up taking a few loans out over the coarse of 18 months, i did not tell her about these loans. These are high interest loans and the payments began to become too much. As much as I tried I couldn’t get things under control. As the holidays began to approach and stress levels, for me, began to run high, she noticed I was stressed out and asked what was wrong. I explained we had some financial issues but I was working on them. This upset her, as I didn’t want to happen, but I was working some side jobs and keeping things under control as best I could. I did not come clean about the loans. She told me she realized I was under a lot of stress and was beating myself up and she said she didn’t want to add to my stress. About 2 weeks after this she was looking at our bank records and asked me about some payments. I came clean I told her about the loans and what I had done and why I had kept it from her. Keep in mind that I do side work and have money coming in that will eventually cover this debt that I have incurred, it’s just going to take time. It was like flipping a light switch, she was immediately furious and crying and moved upstairs to one of the spare rooms. She says I betrayed her trust and she wants a divorce like yesterday. She’s leaving to live with relatives in a week. I am heartbroken. I am worried about her well being. I am depressed and saddened that I may have ruined our marriage. I’m wondering if her sudden shift has anything to do with her MS and innumerable lesions.... I am aware that what I did was deceitful and she has every right to be angry but I feel that my actions weren’t malicious in any way and I was trying to carry the load of running the house, paying the bills, being sole provider and protecting her. I am very curious if any of her response could be related to her MS. I am also interested in outside opinions on the situation. So please give input if you would like. No need to be cruel or bash me if you feel I am at fault here, just let me k ow your thoughts on the situation. Thank you
Beginning of the discussion - 1/9/20Wife with MS drastic personality change https://www.carenity.us/forum/multiple-sclerosis/living-with-multiple-sclerosis/wife-with-ms-drastic-personality-change-1439
Posted on 1/9/20 5:47 PM
I think she is being selfish and I have had me for 61 years and my husband did not do that to me she don't deserve you
Posted on 1/9/20 6:01 PM
Thanks for your comment. I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time and I hope you're doing better today.
A question for caretakers or members living with MS, have you or the person you're caring for experienced personality changes or anger issues that you think are due to MS?
Posted on 2/4/20 4:43 PM
I do lash out sometimes out of pain and frustration. Does anyone know the best way to stop doing this? I feel ashamed of myself. Should I see a counselor?
Posted on 2/7/20 4:41 AM
@Sarahcrabtree Are you here for support? She Isn't out of control! She can't find her control! I have M.S. and I'm Bipolar! This is NOT a good combination, They feed off one another! Be Compassionate with something you DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Living with this is " In Hell in ITSELF!" Depression from M.S. Is REAL,! Then add on to other mental illnesses you can't control. He signed up for better or worse, It's up to him to educate himself to help his wife as she should for him! I have days where I cannot control my anger from living with this disease that keeps me from my "HAPPY" Then I have this WAY of life from a Dysfunctional childhood haunting me through mt disability! We ALL Struggle, Please DO NOT ENCOURAGE someone to leave another over your reaction to your reflection!
Posted on 2/7/20 5:38 AM
I'm new, this is my first response to anyones question but I do have some first hand experience with my own marriage and a situation we had that is very similar to you and your wife's. I've been diagnosed for two and a half years as well. I have over 21 lesions in my brain (one very large one on my front left lobe), three in my lower spine and one in my neck. I have mood changes and I go through depression and I know, I get to be quite aggressive and I try to make myself hush my face or go be alone. We have been raising four grandchildren since they were babies, now they are 2 teens, 1 tween and a ten year old....they don't deserve to hear me rant, so I try to remove myself. Anyway, he didn't take out loans, but he kept all the taxes without telling me. Finally, he had to tell me because I kept asking where my half was. I didn't get angry, but I was disappointed. But its a marriage and we're human. And I love the man. We worked it out by talking it out. I pick my battles and sometimes, you have to decide what the higher priority is. Money, is never more important that a marriage, and you have an amazing 30 year marriage. Maybe send her roses, a card that says something to the effect that you were wrong to not share the truth and burden with her. She may be ill, but she's not made of glass. My husband is constantly asking me if I want to lay down. I can rub my forhead…."do you want to lay down?" nope! lol. He means well, his heart is in the right place and he loves me. I understand why he's asking. Let her be as strong as she can be. Don't shelter her too much, let her be as much of who she was before she got the news she had MS as she can be. And you are wonderful for being there for her, a lot of people take off when they find out their spouse is ill with a disease so, do not be hard on yourself. Focus on making this right, but also on telling yourself you are only human and you did what you thought was right. A lesson learned, yes.....and now you can work on correcting the mistake and hopefully making your marriage stronger because of it. Best of luck!