Tired of feeling depressed and suicidal on and off - looking to talk

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Patients Depression

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Member Carenity
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I have battled depression for about 10 years now. Have been suicidal on and off. My family doesnt understand and they put the blame on me and basicly call me a drama queen and that im choosing to be this way like its a drug addiction. I recently had an episode and instesd of trying to help me my brother called me a drain on the family and told me tonget out of his life and that ill never amount to anything. Im tired of feeling this way and I cant afford therapy

Beginning of the discussion - 6/3/19

Tired of feeling depressed and suicidal on and off - looking to talk
1

Member Carenity
Posted on

Hey Anthony. Ive never used this website or any website like this before so I’m not sure if this is how you do it but I feel you. I’ve struggled with depression basically my whole life and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. My family doesn’t understand either, no one does. They say I’m dramatic as well and if I just changed my view point I could be happy. But that’s not the truth. I’ve been though different therapists they all say the same thing. You have to create your own happiness and you will find joy in your self you just have to work for it. But I can’t find any joy in my self. Therapists get paid to sit and listen to privileged people bitch and moan about their silly problems, they’ll say whatever they need to to keep getting money. In my opinion your better off complaining to your self. I believe that if you have a certain level of intelligence there’s no way not to be depressed because the world we live in is a fucked up cold place. There’s no real happiness out there. Just disappointed and pain. I wish I could bring my self out of this deep hole of misery I’ve dug my mind into but every time I try something or someone  reminds me that I’m nothing. My life is so meaningless it hurts. I look for relief inside drugs and liquor and sex. In the moment it does help but the morning after always hurts the worst. I have never had any real guidance in life. I just need someone to look up to or to show me the way. It’s so hard doing it on my own. I’ve had to figure everything out myself it feels like since my parents are all fucked up and I really just don’t have any older role models in my life. All I do is fuck up and get fucked up. Is there anything more in life cause it doesn’t seem like it?? Just looking for some type of meaning.

Tired of feeling depressed and suicidal on and off - looking to talk
Member Carenity
Posted on

@Hidden username Hi I also struggle with depression and it is not easy. A loving and supportive family is important and I am sorry your family is making you feel that way. I know there was some times when my family also unleashed on me, but they later apologized... From what my parents told me is they get angry by accident because it hurts them so much that I am depressed and they wish that I would just snap out of it... but I can't just snap out of it.

I really would recommend you try seeking out therapy or a counselor to listen to you. There are resources out there that offer a sliding scale, so if you do not make much money you either pay nothing or pay very little. Speaking, if you have no body to speak to will help a lot. I highly recommend it.

Tired of feeling depressed and suicidal on and off - looking to talk
Member Carenity
Posted on

@Hidden username Welcome! I definitely hear you as I struggle and have struggled with depression for ever. I definitely use to share your opinion on therapists, but I finally found good ones and they help me a lot. I know everyone si different, but when you have nobody to talk to, I could careless if they are getting paid, I just need someone to listen, but that actually cares (or does a damn good job of acting like they do). I have found some who you could just tell they could careless and they basically gave me similar advice like "oh well, if you can't function at your job because you are depressed you need to quit and find a new line of work"... NO... I came to you so you can help me so I can conitnue to work and do what I need to do... I finally found a therapist who trully does care in my opinion and I have been much better off.

The meaning... I think you have to find it. It sounds dumb, but look even at small things. Like if you have an animal, part of your meaning in life is to take care of that animal because your dog/cat/etc. won't survive without you. They are dependent on you. I now have a family, and so my meaning is being able to provide for them and make my family happy and proud. It sounds corny and you are like no there has to be something bigger... and for some there is, but for others we jsut need to start at the small things.

I am happy to talk. I stil struggle everyday but hopefully I can provide some help.