Topic of the discussion
Posted on 5/17/20 7:12 PM
Hi everyone I’m new here. This is the first time in the 30 plus years of my life I’m going public to say I have severe depression. I’ve lurked & read and understood what others were going through on forums but never just posted anything of my own. I feel like I’m not good enough to express my feelings to others, I hold on to my feelings and thoughts, but I think it makes me feel worst. I feel like it’s just me and myself, and no one would care or would understand. I never could understand why I’m so unhappy, withdrawn, and afraid of what others would think. Because I am this way, others tend to hurt me, disappoint me, and of course they do that because they can tell I’m weak even if I don’t confide in them. Because of all of that I now have trust issues and that makes my withdrawing from others worst. I have a family whom I love dearly but I even find it difficult to tell them how I feel. When my husband and children are outside, I find myself laying in bed in a dark room, withdrawn. My husband feels like I’m not interested in him, he’s always saying things like “do you still love me?” And things like that, I feel like it’s to validate why I’m acting this way. I want to change, I want to be happy but I feel like my depression won’t allow me. I hope all of this doesn’t sound stupid to you guys, I hope that you understand what I’m saying. Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy, I just wish I could change the way I think and feel. I just wanna be happy and enjoy my life.
Beginning of the discussion - 5/18/20Talking about my depression for the first time https://www.carenity.us/forum/depression/living-with-depression/im-new-here-1917
Posted on 5/18/20 2:29 PM
I'm new here too. I understand how you feel. Everything you said makes sense and I can relate.
I keep sabotaging my life because I don't think I deserve to be happy. I hurt the people I love because I'm not satisfied with the way my life has turned out. I have trouble speaking my truth and cannot make friends.
I'm very lonely and joined this site to connect with people who might understand my problems and would be willing to talk about them.
Most people don't want to hear it, they just want to enjoy life. I want to heal so I can enjoy life too and not have to talk about this for the rest of my life.
Posted on 5/18/20 5:35 PM
Kevin thank you for responding. It’s like you said everything I’ve been thinking and feeling. I never looked at it as healing, I always looked at it like I want to be happy but healing makes more sense. Now that you said that, I realize I need to work on “healing”. Thank you for opening my eyes and I hope you can do the same.
Posted on 5/18/20 10:33 PM
I'm so glad you got something out of my comments, your reply made my day! 😊I
I think it's a process to go through at least that's my hope! There must be relief from this some how, lol!
I get stuck on negative things and make too much out of everything. I'm very sensitive and I'm trying to learn how to not care so much and beat myself up when I make mistakes.
This article was helpful to me, let me know your thoughts.
Yours in healing,
Posted on 5/19/20 4:41 AM
Kevin this article is truly helpful in understanding why I feel the way I do. To quote the article “study after study shows that self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control. It is also one of the single biggest predictors of depression, which drains both “I will” power and “I want” power” that statement alone was eye opening for me. I thank you so much for posting it, it showed me things I clearly wasn’t seeing before and I see areas based on this article I can slowly work on.
Posted on 5/19/20 12:01 PM
Thank you again! I struggle everyday, the struggle is much easier when I can start the day with hope. Hope that I'm on the right track and might be helping someone in the process. Makes me very happy and grateful🙏
Have a magnificent day!
Posted on 5/19/20 5:18 PM
Same to you Kevin, you really did open my eyes to what I was missing. I tried and tried to find what is was for a long time, but when talking to you I realized some of the things I need to work on. I appreciate you commenting and hope you have a wonderful day yourself.
Posted on 5/20/20 11:44 AM
Sorry for spelling errors in advance.
Hi I’m new to this site and talking about depression in general. I honestly don’t even know if what I have would even be considered depression. I’m lonely. I don’t feel connected to the world around me. I can fake a happy appearance and I can small talk with strangers but nothing more than that. I don’t think I know how to make the final connection for a meaningful interaction. I have people I can call a friend but I don’t think that there is a full connection. One of them once told me they think I have a barrier around me to keep people out. I don’t know how to take the barrier down. I didn’t even know I had one.
Most days I’m fine with the way my life is. I work to pay the bills. I spend money on things I want when I can. I am not suicidal. I don’t think about hurting myself. What gives me pause is the thought that I don’t think I would mind dying. That being said I won’t go out of my way to die. I wouldn’t purposely put myself in a position to die. I don’t know if that thought process is normal.
Posted on 5/20/20 5:34 PM
Wow, I totally relate to everything you said. I've been struggling with vulnerability and self-love. I continue to damage relationships because I don't feel that I'm worthy or good enough.
My journey so far has uncovered some abandonment issues I had suppressed for decades. Trying all manner of things to work through them, but it's tough.
I wish you the best. I'd be happy to share more if you want to message me.
Posted on 5/20/20 5:44 PM
What I do to try to cope, is anyone else doing these things? Feel like it is helping? I like to collaborate and need connection with people who understand my plight.
Meditation, go for walks, journalling, mindfulness practice through the day, talk to family (although I limit this since it brings them down)
What do you do to try to stay sane?