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Patients Autism Spectrum Disorder

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I feel strange. For the past 3 years I've had no desire to do anything with anyone, no desire to meet women, no desire to even call an old best friend or family member and see how they're doing. I work, I come home, I read, then I sleep. All deviations from this schedule feel like the same thing, a waste of time that could be spent reading or sleeping. Even if I do go out and see a friend tomorrow to let them know I care they'll want plans a week later and it'll be back to them thinking I want nothing to do with them, so here I lay.

It took me a while to accept that I'm depressed. I think it started with my drug use. In the mandatory group therapy I go to twice a month I always hear people saying "I didn't know what I was getting in to, I thought I just had the flu when I stopped taking them." Not me. From the first 30 Dilaudids I knew exactly what was coming if I took them daily. I treated it like a science experiment. I looked forward to the horrible pain of opiate withdrawal, so I continued using for a couple more years. I called it curiosity at the time but I now believe it to be a symptom of my depression.

I've learned to live with all of the above, but there's one thing that really worries me, and this will sound dumb or crazy. I sometimes whisper to myself when I'm frustrated. "Fuck this stupid computer" etc. That's normal for me multiple times a day, but at some point "Fuck it in just gonna kill myself eventually anyways" got sprinkled in there. That's the one that scares the shot out of me. I'm not scared to die but I'm terrified to be the killer. The sub-conscious apparently makes decisions before they pop into our heads. I don't know if my sub-conscious is warning me of what's to come.

Feel free to skip posting here its just nice to type it

Beginning of the discussion - 8/27/18

Hello


Posted on

Sleep deprivation and Ambien might just be making me crazy though. Maybe there's nothing to worry about. But the suicide threats feel like a ghost walking around my house

Hello


Posted on

@Anonymity‍ 

You are not alone in how you feel. But don’t hurt yourself, I have tried many times to kill my self and I didn’t die. I use to hate that. I regretted that I wasn’t dead and I always wished I was. I would cut myself, od, stand in the middle of the rode. Tried to hang my self. Even cut my stomach. But i ended up wakwing up the next day in my room and having to go back to school. God said to me nope i want you to live , You are here for a reason. God is love, he loves all of us and is always there for us. 

@Anonymity‍ You are here for reason. You seem like a cool caring person. Life is never easy. It will be always a challenge to move forward out of this or at least work towards trying to get better.  But don’t let the fear of life strike you out; keep playing in the game and win.  Don’t let the temptation of death and gost control your life. You have the control of your self. It’s like a car. You have the hands on the wheels and You decide where you want to go in life. You are never alone. Killing your self is not the answer to the problem. Think of all those who care for you , what do you think or how will it impact them if you do this. You mentioned you would feel like a murder if u kill yourself. But interesting fact, god doesn’t want us to die. He wants us all to live forever, he promises a happy hope for us all where we won’t feel this pain anymore and can live happy forever in a peaceful world. Would you love to see that happen? Don’t lose hope, and remember you are never alone. 

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