I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

 Mrubalcava, not every problem has a solution. One of the problems I have with normal depression therapy is that they want you to talk about your problems or journal them or just think about them to try to find a solution. That doesn't work for me because most of my problems are insoluble. Talking about them just makes me more depressed because it proves to me over and over again that there is no solution. The only thing that works for me is distraction. I have to find something enjoyable to do or think about that takes my mind off of my insoluble problems. In march of this year I spent 28 days in the suicide prevention section of a jail. That was so torturous. You are not allowed out of the room, no phone calls, no books, not even normal jail clothes. ALL you can do is sit in your cell and think about your problems. I kept asking them to put me in a padded cell because my suicidal thoughts were amplified because of this environment, but they said they didn't have any padded cells. There were so many things in the cell I could have used to end my life. I don't know how I survived. One mental health professional was kind enough to give me one book at a time which helped, but between books the thoughts returned. I know my problems are insoluble because my Psychiatrist at the mental health ward I was in before going to jail said that sometimes your quality of life falls below an acceptable standard and the only logical solution is suicide. Assisted suicide is acceptable in some states for  terminal cancer patients. I don't know why it isn't acceptable for terminal living situations. Terminal living situations are just as painful as terminal cancer, especially if those living situations aren't soluble.

John

My condition and chronic high pain, even with pain medicine, makes me want to cry, but I can't and just stare realizing my quality of life to the end of my life will only worsen.  I am lonely and isolated.

@Preekooglevoock159 My life is far from beautiful and there are no answers

@Hidden username me too, it would make it much easier to share and have some interaction with others

@Hidden username I know just what you mean...When people ask " how are you or how ya doin?"  I believe they don't want my truth...easier to say "still above the dirt".   

I am struggling to understand what kind of problems people believe have no solution. Not trying to dismiss your feelings but really understand. Most problems have solutions but are they better than the problem? Sometimes probably not. But often there are choices we can make to at least lessen the pain. Different friends, a new job, ahobby or other distractions. Sometimes it's a medical solution like anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds. I know those don't always help.

Counseling is an option if you can afford it. Reading positive thinking books sometimes helps but not always. Sometimes the best thing is finding someone who will listen - a friend, a support group. 

Maybe one solution is to be careful what kind of music you listen to, books you read, shows and movies you watch. A lot of these things are dark and negative and we may be subtly influenced by the people we hang around, too. 

Your life does have a purpose. Don't ever let anyone tell you different. 

Let's see if I can help you understand the kinds of problems that have no solution. I am on parole for the rest of my life. The conditions of my parole limit what I can do. I can't get a job because nearly all companies (except perhaps manual labor jobs) do a background check and won't hire felons. Even MacDonalds and Burger King do background checks. I can't leave my county (not country, county) without permission. I can't leave this country even with permission. I can't go hunting. I can't vote.  I am not allowed to have friends unless I disclose my crime to them. Disclosing is more painful than simply not having friends. In my case it's painful because I didn't commit my crime and disclosing just makes me angry again that I was convicted for something I didn't do. For a while I was able to go to online school and I obtained a BSEET, which made me feel like I was improving myself and accomplishing something. However, after graduation I found that all hardware engineering positions do background checks. Recently I had a discussion with my parole officer about attaining a masters degree in robotics. He informed me that if I did too good of a job building my robot I could be sent back to prison. ie. if it was too lifelike (which is the goal of all robotics endeavors). Rather than risking going back to prison I choose not to go back to school. Since I can't work for anyone else I established a goal to create my own business, but after talking to my parole officer about it, there are restrictions in doing that that prohibit me from starting my own business. I'm not allowed to have a girlfriend because I have to get permission from my parole officer to have sex with her and he has to meet her and discuss my alleged crime with her. I am not allowed to live with my wife and kids because there would be conditions placed on them that I don't want them to deal with. Because of my false conviction, the number of times my parole officer lies to me, a recent accident where I was stopped waiting for another car to cross my path and someone backed into me and said I ran into him, the recent parole violation I was convicted of where one parole officer told me I should go to dating sites so I would eventually get out of the house and do something fun and my next parole officer said that's not allowed and violated me, then my parole office here in Washington said that I either had to sign the paper admitting guilt for the violation or go back to jail and fight it, and all of my supposed friends and family who made up lies about me in court to get me convicted, I don't trust anyone. Now I am to the point where I were a camera everywhere I go so that I can prove my innocence against whatever next crime someone tries to accuse me of or whatever way my parole tries to twist things around to convict me of another violation. The reason I say there is no solution to these problems is that I have to live by these rules or go back to prison. I'm not doing that again, It almost physically killed me last time, not to mention that mental anguish one suffers there. Since I am a person that must be productive at something (ANYTHING) these living conditions are far below my acceptable quality of life. For me, life has no meaning if I can't be productive at something. Have a job, be a good father, be a good husband, expand my mind, do something to help other people or society in general. All of these things are unattainable for me. Being a hermit locked away in my room just doesn't work for me.

I guess I scared everyone out of here. A new problem arose today. I went in to my doctor's office's lab to get my blood drawn and they refused to draw my blood unless I stopped my camera. How can I protect myself from false accusations if I can't record everything that I do? How can I get medical treatment if all doctor's offices and hospitals have this same policy? Yet another insoluble problem???

John

@Paneelour51 Hi John, you didn't scare me out of here. Wow I'm so sorry to hear about yet ANOTHER failure of the American justice system. Not to get political, but it's clear there's a problem in our country when a) someone is falsely convicted and then after when they have done the time they are prevented from being able to live. I can't imagine what you're dealing with. This might be stupid since you've probably looked into it already, but have you tried Honest Jobs? I saw a TED Talk by the guy who founded it, and it's supposed to help people who have been incarcerated find jobs.

Hi Jasmine and thanks for your response. No I haven't tried Honest Jobs, but I will look into it. I'm not even sure they can help me though. What employer is going to hire me now that I am so agoraphobic (caused by the American justice system's mistreatment of me over the last 10 years)? When I show up at the interview wearing my head mounted camera, they are going to have the same reaction as my doctor. They aren't going to want me recording everything that happens to me while I am at work and I won't be able to work there without it. I'm convinced my only solution is to start my own business that I can do out of my house, but I keep coming across roadblocks in doing that. There are so many laws that prevent felons from obtaining business licenses. I can't get a car dealer license and I can't get a license to open a restaurant, to name a couple that I looked into. I'm currently looking into game development. Hopefully I can figure out how to be successful at that even though that is far below the life changing things I want to do.