I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

I want to stop going places with a friend.

Loneliness isn't so bad to me. Sometimes I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.

@Hidden username I understand. I still struggle with this too sometimes. But you don’t won’t to isolate yourself. I know it’s harder said than done, but MAKE yourself get out and do something with a friend/family member. I swear I know it’s hard but once I did, I felt much better.

 The reason why I don't want to go anywhere is because I tend to mess up around her.

I've come to accept that I will never be proud of myself more than the every great once in a while mood lift.  Medications (which I feel like shit for taking...especially when I read an article about how they reduce empathy or how Prozac made someone fearless...makes me feel like I can't take credit for anything) work a little.  Still feel like I want to throw up and disappear 

I just hope you keep sharing and reaching out. Low self esteem is part of my depression. I am me and no one else. I dont have to change for anyone. But isolation within my own mind is not good for me because when I'm depressed, my mind lies to me. I have to train it to think positive. If medication helps me, I will use it. Mine is a chemical imbalance and medication helps improve my mood. Whatever works for me, may not work for you. I take what I need and leave the rest. Keep sharing!

I just hope you keep sharing and reaching out. Low self esteem is part of my depression. I am me and no one else. I dont have to change for anyone. But isolation within my own mind is not good for me because when I'm depressed, my mind lies to me. I have to train it to think positive. If medication helps me, I will use it. Mine is a chemical imbalance and medication helps improve my mood. Whatever works for me, may not work for you. I take what I need and leave the rest. Keep sharing!

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Thanks. I'll be honest it's been over 25 years of mostly being miserable and I'm thinking about asking my psychiatrist about assisted suicide. Or look into Euthanasia in the Netherlands. I still haven't tried Ketamine or ECT but those are so damn expensive and I job hop regularly because I end up messing up every opportunity. I'm too tired to keep doing this. I wont shoot myself because I may survive it. But I definitely want to be done. Actually feeling good about potential euthanasia. I fear I wont qualify.

I just hope you keep sharing and reaching out. Low self esteem is part of my depression. I am me and no one else. I dont have to change for anyone. But isolation within my own mind is not good for me because when I'm depressed, my mind lies to me. I have to train it to think positive. If medication helps me, I will use it. Mine is a chemical imbalance and medication helps improve my mood. Whatever works for me, may not work for you. I take what I need and leave the rest. Keep sharing!