Difficulties of Not Understanding Who I Am

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Patients Depression

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I’m going to be very straight forward when I say that emotions are hard. And even harder to understand or replicate or experience. You can consider me a liar, but, I think a lot of people are. I don’t do the whole “I’m fine” thing unless I’m more annoyed than upset. I’m usually an open book but I’m also probably the worst person. I lie so easily it kind of scares me. And I pretend so much, I’ve lost the understanding of who I actually am. It’s scary to think that after so long of being sad I forced myself to become numb to avoid the pains of literally just existing, but here I am. I’ll watch crime shows, see murderers doing their thing and feel nothing for victims, you know? In fact, I’ll even vouch for a killer, fake or real, give them some sort of excuse and then catch myself in the act of “aiding the bad guy.” I have no negative feelings towards people but I also don’t have positive ones either. I can be hysterical, or dead. I can cry a lot or I can’t even try because I don’t even feel the need to feel anything. My jokes, my dark sense of humor and dry personality, my open caring nature about other people and my need to impress. I don’t know if I’m desperate or acting. I really can’t tell.

Beginning of the discussion - 2/25/20

Difficulties of Not Understanding Who I Am


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@confused Could it just be that you've shut the caring parts of yourself down? Maybe it hurts too much to care about anyone or anything. All that's left are numbness and negative emotions.

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