Will I ever be enough for my parents?
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You know what hurts the most know that I think about, its when no one in your entire life looked you in the eye and made you like you were actually worth something not even your own family, not a single soul not one person, I think that's what hurts the most, all I ever felt in life was useless, worthless a burden, just being garbage in general, my birthday was on August 2nd my parents bought me a gift that I've always wanted now, but today outside the porch I hear my parents talking saying my name, I decided to eaves drop on what my parents say and all I ever hear is terrible things about like always.
shes lazy, she doesn't even act like a girl, she will end up with no job in her future, no one will want a girl like that, she doesn't even deserve the gift, she's not even applying for colleges, she doesn't even act her age, she is to much to deal with, she's a grown woman she should alreadyguy be out the house, she never does anything, she's dumb, she does nothing right not even the simple things, shes not even responsible for herself,shes like some dumb child,hearing these words I thought to myself not again my body starts getting numb and my brain starts hurting I'm thinking to myself I'm gonna die every word they ever said slowly breaks into my soul my mind everything is slowly but surely dying I rushed back into my room trying not to cry, I've always hated crying it's hurts to cry it feels like I'm about to vomit I feel like I'm suffocating by my own tears, as I'm sitting there in my room a couple of minutes go by, they come into the room and all they said is that their returning the gift , i told them fine go ahead my dad looks at me and said yes I will but then I asked why? He paused and looked at me and said do I really have to explain again, Im staring waiting for an answer, he says look at you like a dumb kid you don't do anything like a normal person, your lazy you don't do anything for this family not even your self, you are spoiled, but anyways I'm tired of talking to you about this your to stupid to even understand. And so he leaves I go back to my room feeling like a worthless piece of shit again thinking haven't I done everything to prove myself I recently graduated high-school, I just turned eighteen, six days ago, I got a job trying to get good at it I'm learning to drive, sooner or later thinking of going to college, what more do they want???!!!! Please God anybody in this world tell me I'm so miserably just say it already what do you want from me everyday its like a fight for my life to get some self control I'm screaming at my self, I get up go to bad and try to sleep it of I closed my eyes and slowly went to sleep, now I woke and here I am crying and typing this down at 1:40 in the middle of the night.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore it's all I ever known to be all those terrible things my parents say about me, since I was little that's all I ever heard, "just not good enough", "She causes to many problems", thats all I ever heard about me I don't think I ever once in my entire life heard my parents say anything wonderful about me let alone some other person, any chance I had to live a normal life gone for good now right now I have lots of issues with my self and I'm working at it trying to be better and it's hard but I guess this is just the way it has to be for me I guess...
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Courtney_J, Community Manager, Carenity US
I have always known that I am different. As a child I knew it was my fault that my parents weren't together. My mother abuse me in every single way possible and my father didn't want me in his life. For I was the mistake. I messed everything up. I was born broken.. so at the age of 5 I started to hear voices in my head. I would sit in the corner and talk to myself. I was an only child until I was 13 years old then I had a baby brother. Who as a child he did love me a great deal.. but as he got older.. all his mistakes were mine. Everything. He was perfect and I was nothing. NOTHING! Then as a teenager.. my mom said to me to leave the house because I was an am the worst thing that could have ever happened to her. So I live in the street for like a year and then my grandma took me in. Because she felt sorry for me. I had no one.
Then I got me a girlfriend and had some kids. I thought she would love me or care but it was another mistake. For after having 2 boy's Ryan and Eric. Everything went down hill. She ended leaving me with them because having them was the worst thing that could ever happened to her.. plus there was also me. I tried to work it out with her. But she said I was the biggest mistake In her life.so she left me with my boys. Thank goodness I had a great friend named ivon and she helped a lot so did her mom. Then I thought my boys would appreciate me but wrong I was again. They hate me. Because I loved them so much, and tried so hard to be a great father.. now Eric is in the army to get away from me and Ryan committed suicide a few years ago. Because I wasn't good enough. So I missed behave and went to prison for 6 years. Got out In 2009.. and had no where to go. So I ended up at some program. I did finished it and in September 1, 2010 I met my wife.. which I thought life would be good now. Again I was lied too, she married me because she was doing horrible in her life. She was/is doing meth, sleeps around with just about everyone but not me. She said she loved me and that I was her soulmate and yes I believe her.. and now 11 years later. I am still with her, but she doesn't respect me, loves me so much it hurts, sleeps around with everyone. The whole block has been with her. Then I found out that she sleeps around for drugs or a few bucks. She makes me feel worthless, pointless, I'm nothing.. I get that. She blames everything on me. Everything!! I have tried to get her help but it's always my fault. I good for nothing not good enough for anyone.
I ruin everything and anyone I meet I distort there life because I am a mistake. Everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. The voices in my head are not even good to me. What's my point of living.. I know I have a reason but haven't found it yet. I have cut myself ever since I was 13 years old. I just turned 40.. and I have no reason to be here.. but I keep pushing forward. I keep lying to myself.. that one day someone will care for me or love me.. well my dogs care about me.. a little. I have them at times.
I worthless pointless good for nothing. I am met not to be loved by anyone. I am not good enough for anyone. No one really wants me. Why would they. Who cares about me no one! Not one soul. Not even my children. I started to drink achool to numb the pain but nothing seems to work. Nothing. My wife tells me to make love to her but 1st she gets laid elsewhere then comes home to me but before I get to touch her she gets on her phone. And handles herself by chatting with people online. Touching herself and then when I about to go to sleep we start to fight because I never touch her but every time I tried... She gets a headache, or not upto it, has to get up early in the morning for work, is tried, there's always a reason.
So last night I didn't sleep. I sat at the end of the bed crying and feeling bomb out. So lonely and empty. So alone... Thinking what's my point of living... What's my reason to keep pushing forward. No one respect me, no one cares
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