Difficulties of Not Understanding Who I Am

I’m going to be very straight forward when I say that emotions are hard. And even harder to understand or replicate or experience. You can consider me a liar, but, I think a lot of people are. I don’t do the whole “I’m fine” thing unless I’m more annoyed than upset. I’m usually an open book but I’m also probably the worst person. I lie so easily it kind of scares me. And I pretend so much, I’ve lost the understanding of who I actually am. It’s scary to think that after so long of being sad I forced myself to become numb to avoid the pains of literally just existing, but here I am. I’ll watch crime shows, see murderers doing their thing and feel nothing for victims, you know? In fact, I’ll even vouch for a killer, fake or real, give them some sort of excuse and then catch myself in the act of “aiding the bad guy.” I have no negative feelings towards people but I also don’t have positive ones either. I can be hysterical, or dead. I can cry a lot or I can’t even try because I don’t even feel the need to feel anything. My jokes, my dark sense of humor and dry personality, my open caring nature about other people and my need to impress. I don’t know if I’m desperate or acting. I really can’t tell.