I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

Loneliness isn't so bad to me. Sometimes I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.

@alcina I understand. I still struggle with this too sometimes. But you don’t won’t to isolate yourself. I know it’s harder said than done, but MAKE yourself get out and do something with a friend/family member. I swear I know it’s hard but once I did, I felt much better.

 The reason why I don't want to go anywhere is because I tend to mess up around her.

I've come to accept that I will never be proud of myself more than the every great once in a while mood lift.  Medications (which I feel like shit for taking...especially when I read an article about how they reduce empathy or how Prozac made someone fearless...makes me feel like I can't take credit for anything) work a little.  Still feel like I want to throw up and disappear 

I just hope you keep sharing and reaching out. Low self esteem is part of my depression. I am me and no one else. I dont have to change for anyone. But isolation within my own mind is not good for me because when I'm depressed, my mind lies to me. I have to train it to think positive. If medication helps me, I will use it. Mine is a chemical imbalance and medication helps improve my mood. Whatever works for me, may not work for you. I take what I need and leave the rest. Keep sharing!

I just hope you keep sharing and reaching out. Low self esteem is part of my depression. I am me and no one else. I dont have to change for anyone. But isolation within my own mind is not good for me because when I'm depressed, my mind lies to me. I have to train it to think positive. If medication helps me, I will use it. Mine is a chemical imbalance and medication helps improve my mood. Whatever works for me, may not work for you. I take what I need and leave the rest. Keep sharing!

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Thanks. I'll be honest it's been over 25 years of mostly being miserable and I'm thinking about asking my psychiatrist about assisted suicide. Or look into Euthanasia in the Netherlands. I still haven't tried Ketamine or ECT but those are so damn expensive and I job hop regularly because I end up messing up every opportunity. I'm too tired to keep doing this. I wont shoot myself because I may survive it. But I definitely want to be done. Actually feeling good about potential euthanasia. I fear I wont qualify.

I just hope you keep sharing and reaching out. Low self esteem is part of my depression. I am me and no one else. I dont have to change for anyone. But isolation within my own mind is not good for me because when I'm depressed, my mind lies to me. I have to train it to think positive. If medication helps me, I will use it. Mine is a chemical imbalance and medication helps improve my mood. Whatever works for me, may not work for you. I take what I need and leave the rest. Keep sharing!

I seem to always invalidate my more dark feelings to being over dramatic or being an attention seeker so I’ve never gone to seek help even after even having attempted to commit. Reading these experiences and thoughts, similar to mines, I’ve started thinking that it’s time I start looking for help. Is there any advice from anyone on the board on how to get started? I’ve started the process before but will have one good minute of feeling content and drop everything. I always just go back to dismissing these feelings.