I feel like I am losing myself

Hey everyone, I hope you are all doing well. 

I don’t know how to express this in words. Part of me wants to speak and part of me is afraid. I am use to keeping everything in and not crying but I feel like I’m losing myself. I am afraid of many things and yet I feel like I ruin every ones lives. I try to make everyone happy. But I am losing myself again and I’m not happy.  I feel lost, alone and confused. At times I hate myself because I feel like all I do is hurt people and sometimes I wonder why god even put me here on earth. I don’t feel important and often I feel like every one is better off with out me. But at the same time I get hurt. I look for the good in the worse people, I only want to help others, which people see, but I put on a brave face and inside I’m scared, afraid, I feel like a baby deer left in the wild to die. I don’t share how I feel to anyone. I just got the courage to tell my boyfriend that I deal with depression, anxiety and that I struggle being  around people, especially a large crowd. I finally told him music I liked and never said anything cuz he disapproves of it cuz he doesn’t like it. But I’m glad I had the guts to tell him. I have a lot that I keep locked up inside, behind a door with lock and key and brick walls in a cage. And I didn’t know where else to go. So thank you just letting me vent. 

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