Stay at home mom. Feel alone and depressed.

Im a stay at home mom.. I battle depression alot. No one seems to notice cause im good at covering it up with humor. 

Im hurting so bad. Its so isolating... And no one seems to understand my feelings about it. No matter who it may be. 

I feel so useless. The only time things gets noticed is when they arent done. Maybe i was busy playing with my son and the dishes wasnt done by the time my husband gets home. Its the only time its noticed. I try so hard to be the perfect wife and mother but it just seems like i fail.. I have such a sweet anf smart 3 year old. Im blessed that i do get to stay home with him and watch him grow.. But i just feel alone..

My husband brings home the money. So if we start struggling financially i automatically blame myself. Right now im trying to make it as a photographer. To have lil exttra cash to help with bills and ect. Because i feel like i dont deserve the money he works for .. But .. I just cant seem to get any clients.. And im actually really good so i dont understand why no one bothers with me. . its just like every time i try to take a step foward to just be at peace with myself it back fires. And no one understands.... Im so alone. Why cant people see how im torchering myself in my head. I tell myself 10000s of times a day how im not deserving nor am i goood enough and no one can see through my mask.. 

I jist want to be heard.. 

This is just so hard sometimes. . 

Hey Annon1234, 

I am sorry to hear that you are going throug so much. Have you ever tried talking to your husband about what’s bothering you? Not having a job can be tough and asking for money feels horrible. I use to think that no one noticed either and that I could hide behind the mask but they probably do see that you are upset and may not know how to help you or what to say. Speak to someone you are close to like your husband or your parents and express how you feel about matters. I hope this helps. Good luck

Its just hard to talk to him about it..

He doesnt understand.  I dont like to seem so broken around him either.

I talk to my bestfriend about it sometimes.. And it helps. But she cant always be there cause she has her own life and i understand that. 

I never felt depression until after i had my son. Whose now 3. I lost my very bestfriend last February very suddenly and ever since then its been a battle.  Most days like tonight. . i just torcher myself... I know im doing it. But i cant stop repeating to myself how worthless and undeserving i am. . 

I feel so overwhelmed ..

Thank you for listening. Just knowing someone out there hears me .. Helps me breath.. 

You are not worthless you are the total opposite. I know I just met you but you definitely sound like a strong loving woman who loves her family and will do anything to protect them from harm. You deserve to be happy. You are beautiful. I do the same thing and feel negative about myself, but if that’s all you focus on you forget and lose sigh of the real you. Write down on a list of paper of pros and cons. Cons on how you feel about your self and then list pros of yourself and if u can’t think of any think about how others feel about you, how your son feels about u and then read it yourself Everyday. It won’t be easy but it might help. 

@Annon1234‍  My wife is also a stay at home mom. She has been dealing with similar feelings for several years and they were just recently brought to the surface. She harbored some of the same feelings you do about money. We have 3 kids. Our twin girls who were born first, were born prematurely and due to their issues spent 7 months in the hospital before being sent home. She was forced because of that to quit her job and stay home. Since she is unable to work she blames herself when we have financial difficulties. She also stresses if dinner isn't made or the house is a mess because she too wants to be the perfect wife and mom. Nobody is perfect. It wasnt until she told me about her depression and feelings that we were able to start to address them. Sometimes being around kids 24/7 can be stressful. So we try to schedule a date night for just us because adult time is just as important. Also, our community center has great fitness classes. My wife like swimming and yoga so she goes to an evening class once a week just so she can have some alone time and I'm on daddy duty that night. These are just a few things we've tried to implement in our household to help my wife with her depression. In no way am I saying that this will cute or fix everything but it may help.

@Annon1234 I'm going thought the same thing but you know it's 2020 and I have a 5month old. I'm stuck inside.all day and should do things but really don't want to