Pain Alone scared scarred and afraid

So I have been diagnosed with at least 5 different mental conditions of course anyone experienced in the mental health system probably knows that once labeled it's pretty much impossible to remove that label. Pretty much every medicine and treatment they are willing to prescribe to poor people has almost the complete opposite effect on me that they tell me. Antidepressants make me tend to be extremely suicidal, something you would think that an educated halfway intelligent Doctor would pick up on after the first 10 attempts right? Apparently not. In fact they actually increase the doses when I start to report suicidal ideas. WoW! ok maybe I was not to bright either because it took many years for me to realize what was going on myself. So after 31 years of experience in the crazy field I finally realized that my only hope was to take charge of my own treatment plan and with such incompetent uncaring unintelligible so called doctors about it was clear if I was to survive this I must manipulate them into prescribing me what I think might help based off my own research. Unfortunately after a decade I now know medication is not an option. I recently lost my therapist after long term treatment had been going on. I was starting to feel a bit of hope that I could learn how to beat my mind into submission and take control again. When she tld me she was leaving that afternoon I had 2 blackout panic attacks and another one the next morning. Then of course they called about ECT and oh boy was I ready. Not to knock ECT it helped me in the past but at this point I was banking everything on therapy. Learning coping tools and ways to manage my extremely intense mood swings and emotions. All this based off the months of working thru everything with this therapist but now what? I am scared and all alone. Somehow I have managed to keep journaling but s my new therapist able to just jump? in or the better question am I?