Feeling like I don't live up to others' expectations of me
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Um.. I really don't like displaying my feelings on any platform, but I am at the point of being broken. Well I guess I've already been broken I'm only just now admitting it. I don't want to write this for people to agree with how I feel. I am writing this in hopes that someone could try to help me figure this out. I just need someone to listen because in my family, no one listens. There's too much going on for us to just stop and listen to feelings. Even with the pandemic going on, there still isn't enough time for them to listen. So I just distance myself and sit in my room or sleep all day to get the day over with. On days when I find myself restless, I don't like being in the house. I just go outside and sit in front of our house longing for more. Especially at night. I stare at the stars and just get this feeling in my chest. It's sadness that I feel. I want to be happy and to be in a some what happy family. But I know that is only a dream, so I continue going through the motions. There's a lot broken in my life besides me. I never had a childhood. I had to take care of my sisters and be the perfect little Justiss everyone wanted me to be. Everyone depends on me..It's cool and all but it gets to the point where I disappoint if I don't live up to one's expectation of me. Straight As, no wrongs, no parties, no friends...I went through school emotional-less...I had to be 3 different people in a numerous of settings. Now here I am...alone and seeking help on a damn website because I was crying in the damn bath tub at 4 am...
@jbryant0509 That does sound like a lot for one person to carry. If you do just want an extra mind involved to pick your situation apart while you figure out what you may want to do moving forward, message me. I will listen.
I don't feel like this is worth it or if I should be even doing this.. but I just don't know what to do anymore. To start this off. I have depression ever since I was in high school.. so right now.. My employer put me on leave because they have to find a suitable work for me that can accommodate my restriction note of not being able to carry 10lbs because of my heart and lung problem.
It's been a week and it is driving me crazy. I've been crying for 3 days. I feel stupid and useless. I live here in the U.S alone. I have to work to get my mom here and my two dogs. I need the money to support them outside of the country. I need to work. I have to work. And with this leave, it just makes it worse. I graduated with a bachelor's degree but I work at stores and other kinds of jobs not with what I graduated in. I feel useless on not being able to find a work that I want or can.
I get so annoyed with the people the I love most. I can't handle any social talks. It irritates me that I cant be of help to my family. It irritates me that I am not working right now. I feel awfully useless.
I lost my dad when I was 15 and now I'm 22. I had to leave my country and flew here. Alone. Working and moving. I have to save money so I can survive. I have to earn so I can have money to send my family. I feel lost. I don't know what to with my life. I don't know where I should go. I don't know what I should do. My employer told me to wait but If my doctor can't change my restriction then they might fire me or give me a lay-off or whatever. I'm tired. My mind keeps having these thoughts. Now I ended up here because I don't even have the money to spend on a psychologist -.-.
Wow need I feel like crying read you guys words sounds like the heartbeat of my life unwell for sure rite ?
@jbryant0509 I've been there...well live this everyday. Was hospitalized in March...was making progress then this whole pandemic hit. I've never felt more alone or disappointing to those who depend on me.
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