I hate my parents alot
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Everyday we argue, yell and fight at each other, I'm genuinely tired of living with them, anything they say is devoid of logic or common sense and they always think that their right, even when their clearly not.
Just know we finished arguing, my life is wasting away cause of them, my whole life I've forced myself to abide by there standards, good grades, be a good girl etc, but everytime I did something right it was completely shun down as if anything I did was worth nothing, their the kind of parents that would say, "why is your grade a B if it could be an A" and "I'm not one that should be proud of you, be proud of yourself" but if I did anything even slightly diffrent or wrong, its a whole lecture and arguing about something so stupid its ridiculous. My dad started going off on me cause to him at least, I held a spoon a little to weak, like are fucking kidding me, they find anything to yell at me for, 3 weeks ago after finishing my shift, my dad came to pick me up, I waited 2 hours in the cold, when it takes 11 to 15 min on average to get to my job, I was mad but wouldn't mention anything about it, in the meantime as I was waiting this relatively normal guy talked to me cause he was waiting to, after 10 minutes of talking my dad finally pulled up, and as I was getting into the car and I notice their was some random stuff on the seat, obviously I was gonna move the stuff out the way cause that's what any normal person would do, just before doing that, my dad aggressively yelled so loud like a banshee at me to not sit there all the people in the parking lot heard him, the guy looks at me funny, I've never felt so embarrassed and that is rare coming from me, if I didn't have any self control I probably would have knocked my fathers teeth out right then and there, but I was already at my final straw, after moving to the other seat as fast possible, from there on I started questioning him and oh my God, when I got home...
Home sweet home I guess...
Once i got home and again having a whole argument on who's right or who's wrong, well guess what! In the end if it all, all of it was blamed on me, saying I was wrong, that I should be ashamed of my self for even questioning, i kid you not I was in compelte shock, how can any person defend someone acting like a cavemen in public and expect me not to question the aducatiy of it all, its disgusting. That day I realized more then ever, that I was truly alone in this world and no one, not a single person would be by my side to say for once in this life that I was right.
Years of having to deal with their shit, and being the way I am, having no one or nothing rely on, I turned to the one thing in this life that let me be myself.
Videogames, it gave me some sense of purpose, enjoyment, freedom, it was coping mechanism for me, if life for me is terrible, I always had my Playstation or PC, played all the games and enjoyed them, I played for as long as I can, but here goes my parents, as soon as they find me enjoying doing something my Playstation almost immediately was taken away, it did not matter the good grades, or anything, there reasons were always this:
"It's because your a girl, girls should be focused on being successful or being something, get a boyfriend etc" So what, if I'm a boy or girl, don't mean I can't like the same things as guys
"Grow up your not a child" Even tho I was 11, yeah totally makes sense.
"They make you stupid" I'd rather be ignorant and blissfull, then intelligent and miserable
"Theres nothing but stupid people on there" That depends, but I at least I treat people with respect and fairly and enjoy getting to know others.
"It's shameful you should be doing other things then embarrsing yourself like a normal girl"
In the end of it all, I was pretty stuck, nothing I did was normal to them, making friends were impossible as well, in fact I have no doubt that my parents are the reason why I ended up so anti social, any friend I had was always bad to them, but even if my friends were not always good I never held that against them. I treated them fairly and with respect regardless of their morals or history.
Making friends though was probably the biggest regret in my life though, on one particular evening after school was over in 4th grade, I had these 2 girls that was in school with me, and were in the same bus we talked as always, they always were super energetic and hyper, but I did not mind so much, I don't remember exactly how it ended up in the conversation but I invited them to come over to hang out since we lived in the same neighborhood, in my young mind, I obviously thought it would be okay and something nice cause that was just something normal you would do with friends. And since we are kids why not?
Unfortunately big regrets later, after inviting and having girl talk or whatever, which was only for 30 mins, as soon as they left, my grandma immediately started yelling and spanking me, these aren't just soft hits, I'm talking hard hits tuning your skin red, or potentially bruising, all I could think wtf did I do wrong, but after so much incoherent screaming I have no idea what she was talking about, in the end she told my parents as soon as they got home from work, and all I could remember was her saying that I completely lost my mind, locking myself in my room laying in bed with no reason to look forward waking up tomorrow.
From there on, I have been completely alone, always have been but you don't realize these kind of things and phenomenons until you get much older, I've been with solitude for a while now, and I can say I enjoy being alone, nowadays it's difficult for me to form proper sentences without stuttering, or standing there thinking to long on what to say or respond, reading and writing is what I did most of my time so I'm no longer use to talking with people. After so much bullying and being mistreated by society and even your own family, you come to terms with reality that your better off walking alone.
Don't hate parents, they are the ones on earth who are not selfish
How are you doing?
I think it is important to have a network of people around you who can help you through tough times. While it may not be your parents, you should find someone you can count on, this world is too difficult to live in alone. Your story sounds really tough and I hope you can somehow improve your situation.
Please use this platform to release some of the built up negative emotion you are holding on to. If you are able to, I would encourage you to talk to a professional. Often times talking or writing can help us process information.
Lizzi from the Carenity team
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