Topic of the discussion
Posted on 2/4/21 1:20 AM
Recently I've been feeling very down all the time now that I have started college again.
I've had a pretty rough past 2 years. Ive been in abusive relationships and I am broken beyond fixing. My very first relationship was good but there were some flaws, he ignored me and just didn't put any effort, not to mention that he has a big ego. My first bf took advantage of me multiple times, not only was he sexually abusive but he was mentally abusive, he would make me think that I was worthless and that the things that I wanted were not important and that my feelings were wrong all the time. He actually believed that it was my fault that he sexually abused me, and that I could've just told him to stop, but he never listened and that's what he forgot. Through the entire time that I was with him he made me want to kill myself about 5 or more times...he tanked my mental health...I truly hit rock bottom. This relationship lasted a little over 2 years until I broke up with him. I am so glad that I am done with his toxicity.
About a half year later I started talking to this dude I met on tinder, we were talking for a while and I trusted him right away and he did too. Cut things short, I fell for him quickly and so did he, he actually said I love you first. I was in love with this guy, it had only been a month but it felt like I had known him forever. Anyways about 1.5 months in he suddenly blocks me, no explanation just blocked, I was worried about him and so I texted him on other socials and nothing worked, so I made another account to see what was going on...he was talking to another girl, I actually talked to him with this fake account and got him to confess, then when I revealed myself he would only deny it. I figured out who this girl was and told her the truth, he was furious with me cause he said I ruined his life. A couple days passed by and he apologized and asked me to forgive him, and me with my stupid big heart said yes but only with time. 2 weeks passed and the same girl who he cheated with texted me telling me he was talking to her again and so I confronted him about it, he said he was only apologizing. A few hours later he said that he can't be in a relationship, that he needs time to focus on himself and his career. Well I blocked him so there's that and he hasn't texted since.
I am now with a man who treats me right. We have been together for about 2 months, we have spent lots of time together, but his new job is very constricting when it comes to texting and calling. He works from 1 to 12 5 days of the week, he took this position so that he didn't have to work Saturdays anymore but now he works longer shifts, so now I can only reach him before he goes to work and maybe 1-2 times during the day for a quick text. It has been difficult cause I would talk to him at like 10 and I would still be awake. But I can't talk with him and I am an overthinker. I know that he's working but in my mind I feel like if he did get a break that he would not use it to send a text to me. I have no doubt in my mind that I love him and that he loves me. He's not the type to joke around, he's one of those people who wants a real relationship cause he's been cheated on in the past and he doesn't want that again. I need a lot of reassurance cause I am broken af. and so now that he's been working and I go back to college I cant seem to concentrate because I miss him so much, and I'm scared that I'm going to lose him. Anyways he's super understanding and like calms me when I'm about to fall apart, I just wish that I had more time with him. We only get Saturday and Sunday for us and I guess I'm greedy cause all I want is more time. Im not really used to having someone who actually treats me right and I just dont wanna lose that. Anyways the constant sadness has gotten better but like its still there from the moment I wake up to the second I fall asleep. I just feel lonely and worthless. I dont know what to do. Anyways I know this was a lot of info but I just wanted to talk about it cause talking makes me feel better...almost like a weight off my chest.
Beginning of the discussion - 2/9/21Struggling in my relationship - I don't know what to do https://www.carenity.us/forum/depression/living-with-depression/i-dont-know-what-to-do-3023
Posted on 2/9/21 8:59 PM
@GJimenez It sounds like you've been through a lot in your past relationships, do you think maybe some of that plays into your fears and feelings in your new relationship? That's great that he's understanding, though. Sounds like a good one!
Posted on 3/1/21 7:04 PM
@jasmine1092 Yes, my fears from my last relationship are manifesting into my new relationship, but I do not know how to get rid of these fears. Deep down I just feel like I don't deserve to be happy.
Posted on 3/1/21 8:49 PM
@GJimenez Wow, that is a lot to have gone through. While you now have this man that you say treats you right, remember your worth. Try not to compare or bring those toxic traits from your last relationships to mold your current one. It seems as though you are both working hard during the week and the weekends are time for you two to connect. I think that is great for you and maybe gives you the space you need to be maybe more independent of your relationship. I think that even in a loving relationship each person has to be able to be an individual outside of the relationship if that makes sense. Well, I won't babble any longer. I hope that you are in a better headspace now and feel free to reach out if you like.
Posted on 3/3/21 5:24 PM
Posted on 3/5/21 9:48 AM
So I'm not great at this but I need start somewee so I'm careing for my elder father and also trying to be a mother and going on 20 yrs of cold hot relationship I often feel like I'm being pulled it's hard to have a family and live with a parent and I'm a the youngest of 4 girls I'm 38 and not any of my sister who mind you there children are growning help with my father my mother and my 3 older sister have a different mom so my mom past recently and it's been hard I never got to deal with that mental and every day is a battle to try to help my spouse be the man he needs to be we going on 21years we fight about everything I ask him to fix something like tighting the door he gotta take it off and then so this n that and the next thing I no there's no door at all and all it needed was to tighten with a scene driver like today I sent him to get milk well on the way he for what ever reason stop n felt it was his job to stop n cut a lim from a tree that is now we're on the road to the store it's like he dose BDA like u no when ur reading instructions and you r to follow 123 or ABC nope not him he dose it puts together and then I look at him like why is there bolts or scews left over ? O not needed ?? What ok then u go to use r sit n boom on the ass u go I tell ya then to teenage girls at home is hard enough then my father who every time a disagreement r something to do with me grounding r trying to be the mom my dad comes in with his 2 cents and trys to save my girls and wants to no why I'm grounding and the my spouse get mad cause his there father and it's not my dad's place to inven so it's like pulling my hair out wanna run away r vist my mom thoughts sometimes it's really hard I have been looking for a group r app that people can share n give input and relate so enough said I feel a weight has been lifted a little sorry such a long story thank u for ur time
Posted on 3/5/21 3:03 PM
I find texting to a wall for others to read,helps me get things off my chest, and a little relief to my soul,hang in there.