Topic of the discussion
Posted on 5/14/20 5:03 AM
I have denied I was depressed for so long. My mom has type two bipolar disorder and severe depression and insomnia. She didn’t always or at least I don’t think she did when she was younger but around 23-24 she became severe with her symptoms. It was the hardest thing seeing my mom like that. I was probably 11-12 and I would have to fight my mom for the bottle of alcohol she hid in her purse or her shirt. With her bipolar disorder she has tendency’s to become addicted to things, she smokes now but before it was alcohol. I have so many unpleasant memories but she’s much better now. She takes medicine, she has hobbies, she’s stable. It never occurred to me that I could have what she had; I understand it’s genetic or at least I think, but I thought in my mind that she was somehow weaker than me, it’s horrible to think and I’ve never admitted it but I can’t lie to myself anymore. When I was younger I became so upset so angry and confused and sad that I wrote a letter, and I blamed her for everything, even my death...because that letter was meant to be the last thing I said before I died. I tried to asphyxiate myself but then it was like I just snapped out of it. I was so disgusted with myself and since then I have never tried to kill myself. But I would be lying if sometimes I didn’t feel like I would be better off dead. I have never told anyone this and the reason I am saying something now is because I just realized I don’t have anyone to tell this to. I have a boyfriend who I live with and we have a beautiful baby girl. I love her with every ounce of my being and everything I do is and will always be for her. The relationship with my boyfriend is so complicated that’s another story that I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about but it was just now that I realized I can’t tell him. I felt really depressed and “off” all day and I just had to say it was because of my period but I know it’s not. But he can’t handle the truth, there have been situations where I have seen he can’t handle and if I lose my “screw” so to say it would break him. There’s so many small details that are missing to why he wouldn’t and there are so many things that have happened between be and him that would make whoever is reading this confused to why I’m still with him. He doesn’t abuse my physically but I think he abuses me emotionally and mentally. He doesn’t realize he does because he says it’s the way he acts and the way he is like it’s a characteristic and it kind of is, his whole family acts the same way but I’ve come to the conclusion that they were raised in an environment where this behavior was supported and never denied. I know I’m making it seem so terrible like he’s the worst person but he just genuinely doesn’t understand or know what he’s doing, he genuinely believes he’s in the right and if I were to tell him differently his whole world, everything he knows and believes would collapse. But it was today that I realized my protection is enabling my depression, and instead of talking to him or anyone I bottle it down and bury and I kept trying to bury it. I feel like I’m going to explode because I hate myself so much. I feel like a failure but I have to be strong for my baby girl. Nothing can make me leave this world knowing I would leave my daughter behind but the thoughts are still there. They linger, as well as the feelings, the sadness, the depression. I tried to talk to him, it talks so much to even try to start telling him something but with just one word he shut me down so fast I couldn’t not say anything anymore. He said “what” but the what that really means “what now? What could you possibly want now”. I feel like I’m laying my heart on the line and he crushes it because my feelings annoy him or bother him, I understand I have so many problems and issues in my life to resolve but I’m also not giving you all the facts and details of this story. I’ve never used this app and I have no idea how people respond but please be kind because I don’t think I can handle the judgement and hatred of anyone else. If you’ve made it this far thank you for listening. Really thank you.
Beginning of the discussion - 5/14/20Talking about my depression with my partner https://www.carenity.us/forum/depression/living-with-depression/i-deny-my-depression-1903
Posted on 5/14/20 6:18 PM
@gtrrz1 Hi there, I definitely understand what you're saying about enabling your depression to protect yourself. I've been there. I think communication is so so important here. I know it's so hard to open up about your feelings and you feel like your boyfriend doesn't want to hear you but I think you need to have a conversation with him and get what you're feeling out. It's so important to be able to feel and be understood by your partner, if not for you, but for the daughter you have together. Do you think he'd be up for counseling or like a situation where you talk together with a professional?
Posted on 5/17/20 4:00 PM
hi..im new here but i relate so much to what your saying and feeling about your partner..im going throughthe same. he says get help like its so easy..he just wants me to get meds and when i try to explain that isnt the only solution.or even a solution right now..and i,like you bottle up until i explode because he has a new business and i dont want to stress him at home but that has totally backfired....he doesnt see his side of the problem..I dont why partners think its all one sided and we Are just crazy...i make jokes but its not funny when you cry all day....i dont know about you but sometimes i just want to be heard in a calm way...