How do I process and heal

Where do I begin? Honestly... at this point I'm not entirely sure I can be helped. Maybe not easily (who knows). I have a life long history of depression that's stemmed from abuse and very traumatic experiences. I am married but I cannot talk to my husband about a single thing. I've tried..... countless times. It's always the same response. So ibe been forced to keep all thoughts feelings and memories crammed inside my head in a tiny box. I'm realizing now that stuffing these things into said box is now exploding a whole new level of emotions that I physically am unable to 1. Process and understand and 2. Control. I've written some poetry and kept journals on my feelings. I NEED help. Now more than I've ever thought I've needed. I'm losing my sanity over this depression. How do I cope how do I process these emotions how do I heal and move on from all the trauma? I'm rambling but I'm willing to go into more detail if needed.

I know about the box..... I have one myself. I stuff all of my feelings into it until I burst. I have nowhere else to put my feelings but in the box because if I try to talk to anyone about it I'm either in their words.....repeating myself, complaining, should be over it and move on. 

Guess I should be a little more detailed about my situation. I found my mother dead on May17, 2019. Since then I am not myself anymore. I use to be outgoing and the life of the party in social situations. Now, I can't hold down a job, I don't want to leave the house because I can't hold a conversation anymore. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. The only reason I have not ended it is because I don't want my children to feel the way I feel.

I just joined this site because I am desperate to get some kind of help. Even if it's just being able to talk about how I feel. I've tried a journal but I need someone that can talk back to me. I need someone who understands what I'm going through. A journal can't do that. I can't afford to see a psychiatrist, I can barely afford to pay for the prescriptions I need. I'm hoping that this will help me and hopefully I can help someone else going through this also.

I know you've heard this probably but try to find 1 person you trust that will listen. I'm suffering myself having been through trauma and an unending bad luck streak. I'm here if anyone wants to talk. I literally have no friends. The only person, outside my family, is my bf and we've been thru so much that the subject of my mental illness is so touchy. My mom has always been in my corner but she has 6 other kids and I'm the oldest so I've tried to shove it down so to not bother her or add stress. I dont talk to my siblings or my daughter about my conditions either!

I feel loneliness is the worst because you can physically not be alone but feel it so deeply. It's hard to not feel alone when you dont even know the words to Express what's going on to go to anyone to talk it out.

I say all this to say I'm here if anyone wants to talk 😊

Unfortunately I dont have anyone I can talk too. And the few that I've tried to let know what's going either dont believe me call me a liar or scoff and walk away telling me to find someone else. My husband no longer sleeps in the same room with me or wants anything to do with me. I'm constantly reminded of my past as it always gets used against me and rubbed in my face one way or another. I want the night terrors to stop and the flash backs to go away. I wanna be happy again and to feel like myself but I dont know where to begin 

@Sadwolf92 :( seems like we’re kinda going thru the same situation girl, if u wanna talk to me i’m down message me let’s exchange numbers, any one who wants to talk i’m here guess we all could use a friend .. ❤️