Exhausted with life but still fighting...
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I moved out to the US 3 year's ago. I have to say that it is has been the toughest time of my life. I split with my wife 9 years ago but never got over it. So when she was pregnant and needed help I foolishly jumped in to support thinking it might give us a second chance. She treated me like a husband and I thought I was back to being one. But now realize that I have been played for a fool and was useful so that she had an easier life. I have completely isolated myself from my family and have never really had friends. It has been hard for me, as I have tried to distract my life for the last 30 years. This has been through alcohol, drugs and work. It has now got to the point where I am exhausted. I have been what feels to be punished by my wife for her not having the life she wants. She is now seeing others and I am fighting every day to keep taking the beatings life keeps offering. Homelessness (twice) work transfers, robbery's, money. For years I have carried the burden of bread winner. I keep getting up in the morning to fight the next day. But after 30 years of fighting to get out of bed and that one day I will catch my break it is becoming more difficult. My existence is solely to provide for my family. Is it supposed to be this hard. I am still living with my wife. Do not have the money to run 2 households. My wife has no career. Not before kids and not now. I know it's not healthy for me to stay and by leaving it would create even more financial worries and stress. What do we do to stop making life so difficult? How do we change our outlook from dusting ourselves off for 1 more round, to looking at the day as a new prospect? My inner strength is driven by my children, they give me the stamina to keep fighting. But now I am starting to question if I can keep fighting? It feels as if a knockout punch is imminent and I don’t know if I can hold on. I know it's OK to not be ok. But how do we change that.
I'm sorry you are going through that. I understand how you feel. I feel like my sole purpose is to take care of everyone else, but there is never anyone there for me. I will say antidepressants can help. I had to go off mine when I found out I was pregnant, I can tell my depression is much worse without them.
@Sadpanda1122 Ditto. To the having to take care of everything. I haven’t tried anti depressants. To be honest I have only started to face up to my problems now. Stay strong for your kids. I draw my strength from mine.
Hi @Kopite79 I know where you are coming from... I feel like all I do is work and work and work and then never have time to enjoy. I also feel like you that I am afraid to speak with partner about my feelings and just keep waking up day to day to make money, but I do not want to be where I am at.
It is depressing in itself... I wishI could start over. How can you just walk away though once you are together?
@depressedme Bloody good question... When my wife and I had a period when we were separated about 9 years ago, I was crushed. She moved on, after close to a year, I tried. Unfortunately, Because of my daughter, we were constantly seeing each other. So I never got over her. Now here we are again, and she is telling me were done. That she has no feelings for me whatsoever. We are never ever going to happen. I cannot except that. Living in the same house as her is tormenting. Knowing she is on the phone to her new friend is torture. When I look at how she treats me, and how I think she see's me, there should be no hope. I should be wanting to leave her. But you can't control your feelings. Ultimately I think we are bad for each other. I think she may have issues as well, and instead of talking to each other about them we blame each other for them, or for not fixing them. There are many triggers to my depression, and she unknowingly does a lot of those. Despite all of this, I don't think I would be able to walk away. I am sure if we had the money, she would. If she meets the right person, I fear she would leave me to it and make up home with them, as she will no longer need me. I guess if one of the partners wants out, Its over. But sometimes I just have this feeling that she's not thinking straight. That we have not been getting on recently because we have both been so stressed. Other times I look at myself and what I need to change so that she loves me. Was I too much of a pushover? Did she not love me because she had no respect for me? Is it because I am boring? Was I not good enough for her sexually? and endless other questions. You can see how I see myself, and one of my greatest fears is that I have isolated myself for so long that I don't know how to socialize/communicate properly. Not on whats real. Leading to my biggest fear - Am I just broken???
You can see from my response that I am about as much use a a chocolate teapot. I don't think you can make the decision unless you are thinking clearly. Time apart could be a good thing, not a break where you see others.New relationships always have that excitement at the start that would rose tint the new and darken the old.
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