I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

Dear Truint40 ,

I understand your pain . Have tryed killing myself 4 times in my life .The holidays are always a difficult time for people like us . You are alot stronger then you think . Always better to talk with someone who cares . 

I am here for you always 

https://youtu.be/_EdMkaHdtAw learning to try to find ways to take my mind off things so I turned back to music I usts sing and play guitar then just stopped my mom passed 1 year ago right b4 she passed I picked it back up she was my biggest fan hopefully you guys will like and listen I still have many obstacles to overcome but I'm getting there I hope lol

@Chadshep‍ im sorry to hear about your mom. 

hi I’m new to this, I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and maybe even dissociative identity disorder. I’ve never been diagnosed for any of these because I’ve always been too scared to go back to a therapist.( my first experience was terrible). I’m trying to find ways to cope, but “life” just continues to find its ways to pull me back under. Any advice for helping and healing ?

@Olivia27‍ ive been in therapy for 30 years and was diagnosed multiple times throughout the years. I dont recommend trying to diagnose yourself. Therapy is a great tool when you find the right therapist. Just my opinion and if you are suffering theres a reason for professionals which i am not. My therapists over the years have helped me find tools to help me which i cant find on web md. Im sorry i cant offer any solutions but ive been at this a long time and therapists are my friends. 

@Dcass22 I agree so many drs so many meds, treatments. Ketamine, TMS, shock therapy, still no relief of the depression. How do you continue on?

Hi guys. I just joined, and I'm having horrible episodes of anxiety and depression... Much more often recently. I need someone to talk to who can listen and just... Be a human and talk back with me. :( I have a strong Christian faith, and I need some extra support to help supplement the prayers. I know God can and does put people in positions to help others. I feel like everyone (my own mother and my in-laws) hates me. There's a story there, not just random feelings. I don't know if it's my anxiety, my depression... I feel like I've been trying to fit in with people my whole life and just feel... Different. Misunderstood. I don't even know if this will make sense to anybody, as I'm in tears at the moment. I have no friends anymore. I'm married and have kids, and the depression completely ruins my parenting. There's just... So much I could tell you all. If anyone feels like talking, it would literally be a lifesaver. 

Sincerely,

Brittany.

I need to express what I’ve been feeling but I can never find the right words for it.  I’m not trying to die, and I don’t know if I necessarily want to die, but if something were to cause me to need my epipen I can’t promise I would use it. Life hurts. Reality hurts. I feel like I’m fire all the time. Im constantly battling myself to eat even crumbs. My OCD is completely unmanaged as well. I can’t mentally handle looking at the clock. The number don’t always add up and feel right and when they don’t I feel entirely panicked. I want to scream and cry and rip my skin off when something isn’t just right. I’m having nightmares every night again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to curl up and die, but I know there are people who love me and need me. 

@brittpost  Hey Brittany, I might not be a Christian or the most understanding person for your specific situation, but I get the in laws a hating you thing. It burns, especially this time of year. My fiancé’s mom’s side of the family entirely hates me, and him and his dad refuse to stand up for me to them. His little brother has been living with their aunt (mom’s sister) and because of that his dad feels the need to go there for Christmas, but he got a dui last year and isn’t allowed to drive. That means that my fiancé has to take him and he doesn’t want to just drop him off since it would be a waste of gas to head out there twice, so we’re all going. It’s hard to spend time with people that you know hate you, but it’s going to be okay. It’s really hard to feel understood when no one around you truly understands, but try to remember that it’s not them going through the same thing that makes them get it. The people you choose to be around right now should be people who are truly empathetic. I can see you’re feeling fragile right now. It’s really important in these moments to remember that things that have kept you strong up until this point. On the darkest and hardest days you have to try to think of the brightest days and what made them so bright. For me that’s days spent with my grandma on the front porch, or reading books to her when her eyes got too tired to read them to me. Moments like those remind me what I’m fighting for in life. I want to raise a little girl just like me. I want to stay around long enough to teach my granddaughter how to read, and to one day have her read me her favorite book on the porch swing. Whatever those goals and moments are for you, think of them. And if you think they won’t be enough, go hug your little ones. You will find a way through this messy hellish life, I promise. 

Thak you, @EclipseLuna‍. I'm glad you understand the pain of wanting to be a part of the family and feeling like a black sheep. It's... New... And hard. I grew up an only child. His family is huge. I feel like I don't don't know how to conduct myself sometimes without wanting to shell up in anxiety. It sounds so stupid... But it really is hard. It's also hard to WANT to have the will to do things, but feeling glued down. Stuck in place. Unable to move or do anything. Even when you want to.