Patients Autism Spectrum Disorder
Topic of the discussion
Posted on 10/15/20 5:42 PM
Since I was young I have always been involved in mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationships, starting with my mom she didn't really want to take the time to understand what it was I was going through or felt, so she chose to isolate me from my brother and sister, she rejected me a lot, and from there I chose to fill a void with relationships that I quickly became so consumed by, my first mentally abusive relationship was when I was 12, I was pursured by a man 8 years older then me(he was 21) it felt nice to have someone older want to be with me. Our first sexual encounter, I don't remember honestly because I passed out. I told him repeatly I was not feeling well, he told me he would take care of me, and then next thing I woke up in his bedroom naked. I felt violated I wanted to press charges but after speaking to him, I was convinced it was okay because he loved me. And for years after I accepted anything done against me is out of love. I'm 24 now, I was in a very abusive relationship which I now left with two children, I was beaten frequently infront of my children, I was also raped once in front of my oldest. But I stayed for years thinking it was okay, because he would always say he "loves me". I finally decided to leave once I realized how affected my oldest child was, she started developing signs of anxiety, starting ripping her hair out and becoming aggressive, and at that point I realized I didn't want to ignore her like my mom ignored me.
I'm in a healthy relationship now, but I still feel so depressed sometimes, I feel so lost, so alone, so useless. But I wake up everyday to handle my daily life for my kids even if I break down in the bathroom a few times a day. I fake a smile when my boyfriend gets home or when I'm around my family but I feel so torn with myself. Am I toxic? I can't sleep at night cause all I can do is think of everything I've ever went through over and over, and think of things I should of done but never did, and wonder if I was really just a naive kid, or did I deserve everything because I should of known better. I don't know, I just feel the need to talk about this cause I'm always keeping everything inside.
Beginning of the discussion - 10/15/20Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/autism-spectrum-disorder/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647
Posted on 10/15/20 10:19 PM
You’re not toxic you have been through a lot and continue that journey now. I am currently where you are now and understand what you are going through. I don’t know if that helps but just remember you are not alone in this.
Posted on 10/16/20 3:27 AM
@Jayjenwalter thank you, I often times remind myself I'm not the only one. But sometimes it feels lonely
Posted on 10/18/20 3:55 AM
I feel the same way sometimes waking up feels like a job. I feel like although I know something is different with me getting other people to understand is selfish like it's not their issue so asking them to be patient or understanding shouldn't be done because it's my cross to bare and it make it that much harder to manage I just feel like if I was born more like my sisters I wouldn't have as many issues as I do subsequently anxiety or depression wouldn't be an issue I'm so sorry I'm the way I am
Posted on 10/18/20 4:16 PM
I feel the same way. I try so hard to put up a positive front, but inside I'm hurting and filed with anxiety. I dont want my grown children to worry so I fake the smiles until I'm alone.
Posted on 10/18/20 5:51 PM
No you aren't toxic, you're probably an INFJ just like I am. I have a terrible time making friends. Alone I can do, people not so much. Animals yes, people no. My father was an extrovert and the company diplomat who expected me to follow in his footsteps and go dancing and be very people oriented and extroverted. I lived with the feeling that you are experiencing for most of my life, like I'm toxic.
Posted on 10/18/20 6:02 PM
It's so complicated, I stopped trying to waste my time explaining what goes on in my head because I live in a very Hispanic household, so there's no such thing, I'm just a lazy and dramatic and crazy. One moment I can be so nice and talkative, then next moment I just want to hide and I can't even push out words because I get this feeling in my chest like everything I'm doing in wrong, the way I'm saying the words are wrong, then I go into this thing where I question every single thing, like this they even hear me? Like me repeat it like 2x, then while I'm talking it's like I hear a voice in my head telling me to shut up no one cares so I get very quiet and emotional and then that's when the comments from everyone roll in *why you acting crazy, do you need attention, what the f*** is your problem get over it, shut the f*** up already why you always like this* so I chose to close away instead sometimes I enjoy being lonely, othertimes I just want someone to talk too. I feel so complicated at times. Idk what to do with myself, I wish I was just a normal person.
Posted on 10/18/20 8:12 PM
I have wished to be normal for most of my life but have settled for my "unique" personality just as you can also. Is this your immediate family you live with? It sounds as if you're relaxed and talkative one moment and then on guard the next, is there a trigger mechanism that happens? If so when did it start? You say "very Hispanic household" which leads me to believe you are either second generation or living with way different personality types. From my experience Hispanic people are very much like my relatives, very loud Italians, they used to drive me insane which made me have to seek refuge in a quiet place for which I was criticized for being anti-social. There is definitely a communication problem, but it's just that, a communication problem. It's not your fault, try not to internalize it though I know it's very hard. If not for this lockdown would you be somewhere else? If so where?
Posted on 10/18/20 11:06 PM
It can be many things that trigger me, sometimes I don't even know why they do. It can be someone yelling to loud, someone slamming something, someone arguing and it makes me just shut down, I get nervous or scared. I'm not big on crowded places either, meaning I don't go out much, don't do parties or get togethers after an hour I'm ready to leave on hiding in the bathroom for sometime. I think it's people in general that make me nervous? I have a constant feeling of people judging or watching me. So I chose to hide a lot
& Yes extremely loud, which is why I left. I can't take it, makes me to anxious all the time
Posted on 10/18/20 11:16 PM
I think it started when I was younger, I would rip my hair out or harm myself because it felt like this overwhelming thing just sitting on my chest that I didn't know how to escape I just always had this sense of "paranoia" at least that's how it feels, where I was always self conscious and thinking people were talking or staring or trying to get me or hurt me, I would hear things or see things. My mom is very judgemental, so I felt this constant rejection and hate and anger towards her, once I got older and tried to explain to her what I went through and how I felt she didn't accept it, told me I need to grow up and stop being weak. So that's pretty much what I tried to do. Either way I was going to be a mom for the first time and I just wanted to feel like I had a mom for once. So we said we'd never talk about it and we never did anymore.