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  • Am I toxic?
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Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses

Am I toxic?

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avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

10/15/2020 at 5:42 PM

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avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

Last activity on 05/01/2021 at 5:25 PM

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15 comments posted | 11 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group


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 Since I was young I have always been involved in mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationships, starting with my mom she didn't really want to take the time to understand what it was I was going through or felt, so she chose to isolate me from my brother and sister, she rejected me a lot, and from there I chose to fill a void with relationships that I quickly became so consumed by, my first mentally abusive relationship was when I was 12, I was pursured by a man 8 years older then me(he was 21) it felt nice to have someone older want to be with me. Our first sexual encounter, I don't remember honestly because I passed out. I told him repeatly I was not feeling well, he told me he would take care of me, and then next thing I woke up in his bedroom naked. I felt violated I wanted to press charges but after speaking to him, I was convinced it was okay because he loved me. And for years after I accepted anything done against me is out of love. I'm 24 now, I was in a very abusive relationship which I now left with two children, I was beaten frequently infront of my children, I was also raped once in front of my oldest. But I stayed for years thinking it was okay, because he would always say he "loves me". I finally decided to leave once I realized how affected my oldest child was, she started developing signs of anxiety, starting ripping her hair out and becoming aggressive, and at that point I realized I didn't want to ignore her like my mom ignored me. 

I'm in a healthy relationship now, but I still feel so depressed sometimes, I feel so lost, so alone, so useless. But I wake up everyday to handle my daily life for my kids even if I break down in the bathroom a few times a day. I fake a smile when my boyfriend gets home or when I'm around my family but I feel so torn with myself. Am I toxic? I can't sleep at night cause all I can do is think of everything I've ever went through over and over, and think of things I should of done but never did, and wonder if I was really just a naive kid, or did I deserve everything because I should of known better. I don't know, I just feel the need to talk about this cause I'm always keeping everything inside.

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avatar CharleneBM

CharleneBM

10/19/2020 at 2:11 AM

avatar CharleneBM

CharleneBM

Last activity on 06/18/2021 at 11:25 AM

Joined in 2020


7 comments posted | 3 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group


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thanks so much for the responses today I have really hit bottom seem like no one cares why do I even try

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Different


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2020-10-19 02:11:15

avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

10/19/2020 at 5:16 PM

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avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

Last activity on 05/01/2021 at 5:25 PM

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15 comments posted | 11 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group


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@CharleneBM I care, I may not know you, but I think everyone matters, even when we feel low, at least being here, we know we aren't alone, and we know we have a whole community that understands us.


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2020-10-19 17:16:45

avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

10/19/2020 at 5:17 PM

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avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

Last activity on 05/01/2021 at 5:25 PM

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15 comments posted | 11 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group


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@CharleneBM I care, I may not know you, but I think everyone matters, even when we feel low, at least being here, we know we aren't alone, and we know we have a whole community that understands us.


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2020-10-19 17:17:14

avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

10/19/2020 at 5:17 PM

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avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

Last activity on 05/01/2021 at 5:25 PM

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15 comments posted | 11 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group


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@CharleneBM I care, I may not know you, but I think everyone matters, even when we feel low, at least being here, we know we aren't alone, and we know we have a whole community that understands us.


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2020-10-19 17:17:34

avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

10/19/2020 at 5:17 PM

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avatar Thaliamv

Thaliamv

Last activity on 05/01/2021 at 5:25 PM

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15 comments posted | 11 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group


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@CharleneBM I care, I may not know you, but I think everyone matters, even when we feel low, at least being here, we know we aren't alone, and we know we have a whole community that understands us. ❤️


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2020-10-19 17:17:53

avatar castledepress

castledepress

10/19/2020 at 10:10 PM

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avatar castledepress

castledepress

Last activity on 09/25/2023 at 1:37 AM

Joined in 2020


152 comments posted | 18 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group

1 of their responses was helpful to members


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You sound like an HSP (highly sensitive person) I was born one and with a guy it's even worse, we are expected to be strong and put on a brave face even when all we want to do is get out of the room.  You might try checking out some of the HSP web sites, we're coming out of the closet finally, even guys.  I can't deal with crowds either and parties end me.  I need quiet most of the time.  I worked in a call center a few times and they were the worst jobs I ever had.  We can deal with people but only in small doses.  You sound like you startle easily also, I have that problem too.  Someone slams a door and I jump.  Our nervous systems are always on high alert, hypervigilant as it's known.  There were some parties I attended around Christmas where I really had to hide in the lobby or men's room just to get away from the noise.   


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2020-10-19 22:10:48

avatar castledepress

castledepress

10/19/2020 at 10:12 PM

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avatar castledepress

castledepress

Last activity on 09/25/2023 at 1:37 AM

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152 comments posted | 18 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group

1 of their responses was helpful to members


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@CharleneBM Trust me, we care Charlene, some of us have been there more than once.  I know I have been.  


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2020-10-19 22:12:01

avatar CharleneBM

CharleneBM

10/31/2020 at 4:00 PM

avatar CharleneBM

CharleneBM

Last activity on 06/18/2021 at 11:25 AM

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7 comments posted | 3 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group


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Thanks so much u have no idea u have talk to me more than my own family has about my anxiety they think i need to get out more so I jus stopped talking to them altogether. Again thank u 

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Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2020-10-31 16:00:38

avatar Snookie

Snookie

02/05/2021 at 3:28 AM

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avatar Snookie

Snookie

Last activity on 12/31/2022 at 4:04 PM

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15 comments posted | 10 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group


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@castledepress what you said about being so easily startled or scared was like you were describing me. I jump if someone walks into a room quietly then says something. My older brothers used to enjoy scaring me any chance they got, just regular kids stuff. And I have always felt like that is why I'm so jumpy. You have helped me. Thank you very much.

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Snookie


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2021-02-05 03:28:43

avatar castledepress

castledepress

02/10/2021 at 11:17 PM

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avatar castledepress

castledepress

Last activity on 09/25/2023 at 1:37 AM

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152 comments posted | 18 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group

1 of their responses was helpful to members


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You're very welcome Snookie.  You might be an HSP also, we're very sensitive and always on the alert.  Our nervous systems are just wired to be hyperactive.  


Am I toxic? https://www.carenity.us/forum/other-discussions/living-with-behavioural-disorders-mental-illne/am-i-toxic-2647 2021-02-10 23:17:51
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