“I’ll be bipolar until the day I’m buried, but I’m in recovery”: Paula-Rose’s story of strength and hope

First of all, could you tell us a bit more about yourself?

My name is Paula-Rose, I’m 31 years old. I studied law, but I’m currently not working.

I’m in a relationship with a man I’d describe as wonderful and incredibly supportive, and we live in an apartment with our little grey cat.

I’m naturally sociable and optimistic. I love being around people.

Some people have called me an “emotional sponge,” and it’s true, I’m very sensitive to my surroundings and the energy that comes from them.

I love meeting people, spending time with my friends and family, discovering new things, and going out.

I hate routine, so much that I’ve never really known it.

You said you have type 1 bipolar disorder. Could you tell us more about it? What are the main symptoms for you?

Yes, I have type 1 bipolar disorder. It means that at certain times in my life, my mood fluctuates abnormally, alternating between mania and depression.

When life becomes stressful or uncertain, I start spiraling emotionally. It begins with a loss of appetite and very little need for sleep. Then my thoughts race, and I start slipping into delusional ideas…

For example, I once became convinced that I had a special power, that by looking into someone’s eyes, I could somehow guide them to where they were “meant” to be, whether that was prison, a hospital, or somewhere else. In my mind, it was a way to make the world fair and perfect.

During one of my episodes, I even believed I saw the Virgin Mary.

A few weeks after a manic phase, when my brain is completely exhausted, I crash into depression, often with dark or even suicidal thoughts.

Outside of these manic and depressive phases, my mood is stable, and I manage to live a fairly normal life. Still, I feel more fragile than most people. Sometimes, even during stable periods (what doctors call “euthymic”), I experience residual symptoms. Not long ago, for an entire week, I went through very intense depressive symptoms.

I also deal with memory problems, fatigue, and significant weight gain, all side effects that make everyday life more difficult.

You were 24 when the illness first appeared in your life. How did it start, and why do you think it happened?

At 24, I was living in a big shared apartment. My life was fast-paced, work, social outings, hikes, meeting new people.

Then one day, my parents showed up to tell me they were separating. That day, and in the days that followed, I didn’t cry, even though I’m usually very emotional. Instead of tears, a tidal wave was building inside me. That wave led straight to a psychiatric hospital for several days.

I believe the onset of my illness was due to many factors: the emotional shock of my parents’ separation, a genetic predisposition, and a lifestyle that didn’t help, too little sleep, too much alcohol.

After that, you experienced multiple manic episodes. How did those episodes manifest, and how were you cared for during that time?

Yes, what they called “psychotic breaks” at the time were actually manic phases, though I only learned that later.

I went through three major manic episodes, in 2018, 2019, and 2021. Each one required hospitalization, and all of them happened around May or June.

When I enter a manic phase, I become uncontrollable, irrational, unreasonable…

In 2021, you were hospitalized involuntarily. Could you tell us about that experience?

Two months of hospitalization under compulsory care.

I’ll never forget that year, it’s etched in my mind and even marked on my body, since I decided to get my right ear pierced during that time.

Deemed a danger to myself or others, I was isolated from the world for several days, basically locked in a small room with no contact with the outside world (no calls, no visits) and even limited access to water.

Despite how traumatic that hospitalization was, it allowed doctors to finally put a name to what was happening to me: type 1 bipolar disorder. It also helped find a treatment that stabilizes me, an antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer.

What does your treatment and follow-up look like now? How are you feeling today?

At the moment, I see my psychiatrist every two weeks. Even though I’ve been doing well for a while now, those appointments have become essential and reassuring.

I like to say that I’m in recovery, not cured, of course, but stable.

I’ll be bipolar until the day I’m buried, but I’ve decided this illness won’t run my life. So, to answer your question: I’m doing well. I feel lucky to be alive, grateful, in love, fulfilled, surrounded, and supported by those close to me.

In 2023, you began writing an autobiographical book. What made you want to do that, and what has it brought you? Are you planning to publish it?

I didn’t exactly decide to write a book, the idea came to me naturally. I’ve loved writing since I was a child.

On November 17, 2023, I suddenly felt an overwhelming need to share my story, the sense that I had something important to say.

It’s brought me so much. Above all, it’s helped me in my recovery and made me realize just how far I’ve come over the past six years.

You’re also starting training to become a peer supporter. Could you tell us more about that?

This project has been close to my heart for years.

Just like writing my book, it feels obvious to me, I have both the will and the desire to help others who are going through similar things.

Alongside the medical expertise of healthcare professionals, peer supporters bring something invaluable: shared experience, lived understanding, and practical knowledge of the illness.

This kind of program is still underused today, but I truly believe it will grow. To me, it just makes so much sense.

What are your plans for the future?

My biggest dream is to have a child with my partner.

When I first became ill, I didn’t realize how much it could affect my plans for motherhood.

Now it’s about finding the right treatment, the one I’m currently on seems best for my situation, but it can cause heart malformations in the baby. There’s also the risk of relapse during pregnancy or postpartum, and even the fear that my child could inherit the same illness.

But the desire to give life is stronger than all of that.

Professionally, I hope to find a job as a peer supporter within a mental health organization.

A final word?

Hope.

That’s what helped me hold on through the hardest moments, and I think it’s the key word in every recovery.

Believing that things can get better. Believing that even from the most difficult experiences, something good can come. Simply, believing.

Thank you so much for giving me the space to share my story.

Paula-Rose

A big thanks to Paula-Rose for trusting us with her story.

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Take care!