How to improve our relationship with food?

Hi everyone,

I've been having a lot of problems eating recently. I hate the thought of it and weigh myself religiously. My best friend notices when something is wrong because I have talked about it with her before, but nobody else really knows. I hate the way I look. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore.

I went out for brunch with my friends last weekend and when I realized there was nothing under 100 calories (which is the limit I'm comfortable with) I settled on a small side of grapes. I would have been happy to go without anything if my friends weren't there.

I repulse myself and honestly, I don't think I'm worthy of food most days. I also really hate myself because I used to see a therapist and I feel like I've gone back on all the progress we made, but I just can't help myself.

I don't really know what to do because I know I need to fix my relationship with food and get out of this but at the same time I know it's what I deserve. I can't afford a therapist right now, does anyone have any tips on how to get through this?