Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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Patients Depression

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I'm new to this forum.  So, I thought I would introduce myself.  My name is Alisha.  I'm 34 years old, and I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, as well as anxiety.  I likely have other diagnoses that haven't officially been diagnosed.  I feel like it is a big part in why I have lost faith in therapy.

Ever since my teens, I've been struggling with mental health problems and have went to therapy off and on throughout that time.  Also, I've taken different meds.  Nothing really helps me, honestly.  I'm just not really sure what to do.

I've had a few ideas like I wanted to clean up and organize my room and redecorate.  I've mostly accomplished that goal finally.  Just need to finish up a little.  Also, my finances are really bad from struggles with addiction tendencies.  So, I planned to try to resolve that as much as I can.  Then, I have been getting different items for pets I want to get, like a cat and a hamster.  I'm mostly prepared for that.  Then, I was going to try to get back into therapy and join a couple support groups like for DBT and for addiction.  Then, I'd also really like to finish my bachelor's degree online and maybe look into some volunteer work.  I've already acquired my Associate's in Arts degree, which is a basic transfer degree.  Then, I attended university for several semesters, which didn't work out with me trying to live there on my own and stuff.  I have a pretty severe physical disability I was born with that affects my muscles, bones, my joints, and my breathing.  I use an electric wheelchair for mobility.  So yeah, with my health, that was a lot of why it didn't work out with that.  However, I don't have much left to take to graduate.  I only had 12 - 13 more classes to take.  So, I was just going to try to finish online.

I've been pretty low functioning for a while, though.  So, I probably need to hold off on certain things like with college, volunteer work, getting pets, etc. until I get to a little better place mentally and emotionally.

I'm just not really sure what to do.  So, I thought I'd ask for advice.  I'm interested in hearing others' stories.  Plus, it would be great if anyone had some suggestions on maybe what helps you when you are going through really bad depression episodes.  Thanks.

Beginning of the discussion - 12/31/19

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

Posted on

Hi Alisha my name is mark and I suffer from bipolar major depressive and anxiety. I am sry you feel so bad and I can understand you having a hard time with your physical disabilities. I make lists of things I wanna get done and even simple things are hard to accomplish when feeling down and out. I use to be addicted to drugs and alcohol and they both made my symptoms worse. I always thought they would help but never did only made me feel worse and made it hard for me to feel at all good about myself.  Addiction is a big battle all on its own but it will only make you mental health symptoms worse I promise u that. Its a fight but you can do it and it would be helpful to get some type of treatment for that like groups , aa, na  that sort of thing. 

I will tell you that my animals help me alot for my deppresion and anxiety. I have many and when I feel down it helps alot to just pick em up and cuddle. They make me feel good with no judgement and even talking to them alittle helps.  

I am an isolator so staying in my head is a bad place for me. I have to force myself to do things even if I don't want to. Usually when I accomplish things I end up feeling alittle better. I have been in counseling on and off since I was seven. It never helped until about 2 yrs ago when I found one I felt comfortable with and trusted.  Its not a cure for me but it does help to have someone to talk to that isn't directly in my life. Most of my family doesn't understand me and how my feeling change so drastically. I go from sad to lonely to angry very quickly. That is one of the reasons I think I isolate so much. So I don't take it out on others. I always wish my feelings would stay constant and I could feel better about myself but it changes everyday and some times multiple times in a day. I m sry for rambling so much its just my mind is always all over the place so its hard to stay on track and with one thought at a time.

Before I stop I wanna say I do have many animals but my favorite is my guienna pig named dozer. He makes me happy when I hold and cuddle him. He even licks me which makes me really happy and loved by him. Maybe you should try to get a animal to help keep you company. It works for me even if it's only for a few minutes a day it's better than none. I hope u understand the stuff I'm talking about. Sorry for be all over the place. 

Hope you feel better soon. Try to just smile πŸ˜ƒ

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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u can write to me anytime you need to talk or vent. 

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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Idk if this is where you would post this but I’m looking for help so I’m just gonna explain all this here, I’m currently 16 and I have had depression and anxiety all my life, I did self harm when I was in the 4th grade but it was only for dumb reasons that didn’t really matter at the time, a couple years later I’m going into high school and now our landlord kicked us out and we couldn’t find a place to live so we had to move a hour away from everyone I knew, although we tried to make it work but everything ended up failing, I had to wake up at 5 am and go skate for a hour and a half before school wether it was raining or snowing for two years and during that, I was constantly called dumb, stupid and just a bunch of other similar things to the point people would just considered me as the dumb kid even my friends told me that I’m just stupid and dumb, so I went homeschooled so I didn’t have to deal with that anymore but now it’s like more and more things just keep piling up and I’m so overwhelmed by it, it’s so hard to deal with. I don’t see anyone, I can’t go skate cause the nearest park is a hour away, I don’t have a license so I can’t drive anywhere, I got a dirt bike to help ride and get my mind off things but the cops shut that down real quick, it’s like I was chosen to suffer as if someone put me on this earth just to see how much a human can take before he kills himself, every day I constantly think “why me” and “why does every single person I know have a better life than me” and I just am so tired of having these thoughts but every single day, I have 30 new problems just adding up and every time I try to fix my problems another one appears, I’m too scared to actually kill myself and I don’t hurt myself either anymore but I’m just stuck in this mental state that I can’t get out of and it’s pretty much became the normal for me. I wake up hating everything then go through my day trying to fix all these problems just for more to keep adding on top of me, then go to bed and repeat the next day, I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t care about my future cause I know that no matter how hard I try, every single situation doesn’t go my way, I don’t know what to do someone please help

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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Well I can relate with alot of what you have said. All I can say is there are alot of mean people in this world and many dont understand what we go through everyday. To them just cuz they dont have the problems we do they said get over it or whats ur problem and things of that nature. 

I feel the same way about ending my life but it would only cause everyone else harm. I go through those type of days alot. Most days I dread getting up and can't wait to go to sleep.  We have to be strong and push through days even though sometimes it seems impossible you can do it. I have those days were it just seems like I'm gonna be like this for the rest of my life. But things can change. I see a counclor which does actually help me and I try to find things to keep me busy so I stay out of my head.  I have animals that help when I feel down. And that helps alot. Even this app helps me to get things out. It also lets me know I'm not alone feeling like crap all the time. I have met a few very nice people to connect with that I not only talk to on this site but also email and it makes me feel better to know people are there and I'm not all alone.

I am an isolator so its very easy for me to be in my head alot and think of all the bad stuff that I have been through which is alot. I also have the suicidal thoughts and have been in the hospital many times. I take alot of meds which really help me but not all the time.  They are not like a miracle cure but do releive some of crappy feelings.i

I also have a daughter who went through those same things in school were people were not nice and she started cutting herself and causing self harm so we ended up homeschooling her also. She still has problems also with severe deppresion and goes to counseling and takes meds. 

It really helps to find things to do with ur time and not just think. For me motivation is hard but I do force myself to do things even when I don't wanna do anything.  

I hope u can connect with some people on here just to talk and get things out. Its been working alittle for me and you can also friend people and send them personal  messages so all your personal stuff doesnt have to be posted for everyone to read if u don't want it too.  

Well I hope you feel better soon and hang in there. You can friend me if you would like to or at least try to read peoples comments to see if you Have things in common.

There also is always the crisis line if you need to talk to someone immediately.

Have a good night and try to crack a smile

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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Im a older bi polar depressed. This has been the worst holidays ever. Going through divorce admitting im bi emotional swings like a rollercoaster the only saving me is i likemy job and ggod at it I'm glad she kept my guns it's been that tough thanks for listening tough year

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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Im a older bi polar depressed. This has been the worst holidays ever. Going through divorce admitting im bi emotional swings like a rollercoaster the only saving me is i likemy job and ggod at it I'm glad she kept my guns it's been that tough thanks for listening tough year

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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I just wanna say I'm sry to hear about the divorce that really sucks. I have mood swings too they come and go really quickly . happy ,sad,angry,anxious and depressed are the feelings I go through on a daily routine. I'm sorry to hear that your so depressed on the holidays. That really stinks. I can relate because my feelings are so up and down all the time its hard to just have a good day.  If u don't feel safe then I'm glad you don't have the guns either. To be honest I'm glad I don't have any around too. Cuz I do have some of those real bad days where things feel like the will never get any better. But I'm glad for my family and my kids to make me think things through instead of on impulse.  I hope your night goes better and try to wake up with even a little smile on your face.  Good luck

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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Dozer2019,

Thank you for responding to me.  I guess I do need to try more to make myself get stuff done.  I have different times that I've always made myself do stuff despite how I've felt.  I think after a certain point of doing that, it just got too hard.  Then, I would get to where I did nothing and just kinda gave up.  But I think I will try to get myself to do some stuff at least some, because I have different serious things that need to be taken care of.

It's just.....  whenever I try to do things, I end up not doing very well.  It's hard for me to even deal with basic situations.  Plus, my medical life can be quite stressful and draining.  I'll go ahead and tell you I could relate to your episodes.  I don't have bipolar depression, but I'm pretty certain I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  I fit so much of it.  I know you aren't supposed to diagnose yourself, but with my medical experiences physically, I've learned the medical system can fail.  Some things get misdiagnosed or untreated.  I've seen a lot of stories with cases like that.  Plus, with personality disorders, many therapists dont really know what to look for.  Many people with BPD are often misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety or bipolar.  However, I never fit all of bipolar.  Plus, I had a lot more symptoms that just didn't explain so much outside of depression.  Before I really heard about BPD, I kept thinking there was something more that I had that they were missing.  Then, whenever I learned about BPD, it all clicked for me.  It pretty much explained everything  I struggle with my mental health, and everything aligned with it as far as what can cause it and whatnot.  Then, whenever I listened to others talk about their experiences with it, I could relate so much.  It was like they were talking about me.  I will say that with having that, and possibly Complex PTSD and PMDD, I've lost faith in the therapy community, because I feel like they just completely missed so much with stuff.  Plus, it's hard to find a therapist really willing to work with BPD and to know how to help.  Some therapists will outright refuse to work with someone with the disorder.  And then my last therapist really hurt me.  I had been seeing her for several months, and she told me to stop coming, basically, because I wasn't really improving, and she was upset that I missed a couple appointments.  Many people don't seem to understand how severe my health problems are, and I even explained to her why I missed the appointments.  One involved our van breaking down, and I need a certain type of vehicle to get there (because of transporting me with my electric wheelchair).  The therapist didn't seem to care to hear it.  It seemed more like she was just mad she didn't get paid for those appointments.  She had said something about that during that last appointment.  After that, I just really didnt want to go back to therapy.  BPD often involves fear of abandonment anyway.  So, the therapist basically abandoning me and giving up made me feel like all therapists will and why bother, because they don't seem to understand my overall situation and how complicated it can be.  Then, I just have lost faith in therapy helping me.  Maybe I just haven't had the right therapist.  I don't know.

As far as addiction goes, yes, mine definitely contributes to making me feel worse with guilt and then how my shopping addiction affects my finances and personal relationships.  I've jumped from different types of addictions over the years.  I've heard it is common for them to transfer.  Anyway, I'm glad you were able to get yours under control more.  I definitely need to try some stuff to see if it can help me.

I'm glad your pets were able to help you more.  :)  I've heard a lot of people get pets and that it can be therapeutic.  Unfortunately, I still live with my parents.  I moved out a couple times in the past to go to university, but it fell through with my physical health and mental health.  My parents don't really like pets much, especially a dog or cat in the house, but I'm always wanting that.  My mom said recently that I could get one.  However, she has told me that she thinks I should wait until I get better mentally and emotionally first with as bad as my depression is and with me being so low functioning.  I'm kinda back and forth on that.  There's an adoption place that I've been in contact with about adopting a cat.  The woman is supposed to pick up the cat on the 6th.  I really want her, but I have wondered if I'm really in the place I need to be in order to give her a nice home.  I'm pretty torn on it.  What do you think?

I think I responded to most of your email.  I appreciate you taking the time to reach out and share your own story.  Also, you can feel free to message me, too, if you would like to talk more.  It would probably be good for me to expand my social circle, because I don't really have very many close friends.  Most people, I only talk to here and there.  It makes me feel like they really don't care.  Many of them know I have severe depression and don't really try to check in with me much.  Other than my immediate family, I mostly only have one close friend who I talk to a lot.  So yeah, I definitely wouldn't mind more people to talk to, because it does get lonely.

Again, thanks for reaching out.  I was kind of sad when I noticed no one was really even responding to my post.  I was hoping at least a few people would reach out.  But yeah, I was excited to see someone finally did.  Hope you had a good New Year's Eve.

Sincerely,

Alisha

Not Sure Where to Go from Here

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Tanner_W,

I know it can seem like you are the only one struggling and suffering, but I think that is one of those lies we tell ourselves with mental illness.  Often times, we can look at others and think they are so much happier than we are.  The truth is that a lot of people struggle and go through different problems throughout their life.  I hope you don't take that as a bad thing.  I'm telling you this, because it can bring different people comfort just to know they aren't alone with struggling with life.

I wish I had a bunch of advice to give you, but I guess the main thing I want to say is try to get into therapy if you can.  Sometimes, it can be therapeutic just to talk to someone about your problems.  Plus, I encourage you to reach out more on here and join other forums related to depression and mental illness.  There are quite a few of them out there.  I'm sure it can help to relate to people.  Plus, maybe they can help direct you to different treatments or resources.  Not to mention that you may even make some friends in the process.  But yeah, I think isolating is the worst thing you can do.  It is good to try to branch out and try to be involved in different things.

I'm sure you have different hobbies.  Maybe you can look up local groups online that meet up.  I've been to this site before called Meet Up .com, and there are all types of hobby related groups listed on there.

Then, I would maybe even look into support groups if you are comfortable with it.  Most therapy places tend to offer support groups.  So, maybe you could look into that.

Plus, you may want to try to get a pet if you are able to.  Sometimes, it helps having a pet, because it gives companionship and love and a sense of responsibility and feeling needed.  It can give you a bit of purpose.

Like I said, I wish I had more suggestions.  I hope some of the things I listed can be helpful for you.  Whatever you do, please don't harm yourself.  If you seriously think you may, or get to where you are going to, then please ask your mom to take you to the ER of a psych facility.  I recommend doing that rather than going to a regular hospital, so that you don't have to wait a while to get transferred to the actual psych ward.  Just my tip of advice with that.

Just know you aren't alone and that many others struggle, too, and can relate to you.  Even if it feels like it will never get better, you never know what positive things may come your way unless you try.  You may end up pleasantly surprised.  Just know that you deserve to be happy.  Plus, like I said before, keep reaching out to people.

Sincerely,

Alisha