loneliness

I’m not really sure where to start. I’ve been struggling with Depression & Anxiety, from a very young age. Looking back, I don’t think I ever loved myself, I still don’t. Every time I look in the mirror, I find myself on the verge of tears, I disgust myself. I hate everything about me. my face, my thighs, my stomach, my shoulders, everything. I don’t have many friends, atleast anymore. I used to. Many people, whom I held dearly, and close to my heart, abandoned me. The few who haven't, I ended up pushing away anyways, because of that fear, that they might leave me, eventually too. I’m 18 now, about to graduate, and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I never planned my future, I never thought I’d have one. I still don’t. I wake up, every single day, with the one goal, to just get through the day. I am so utterly exhausted, I have no one. I cry myself to sleep, almost every day. Sleep is my only escape, atleast temporarily. It’s when I am awake, and conscious, things begin to ruin. This New Year, especially, has been really difficult for me. I hate the fact, that I am still here. another year, and I am here. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate how much of a coward I am. I am just so sad I need someone, someone to talk to, someone that understands, I am so tired of going through all this by myself. I feel like I’ve wasted my youth, being sad, but that’s all I’ve ever felt. 

I am sorry to hear that, that sounds really sad. Did you try to reach out for help? I know there are psychotherapy groups where they discuss all together, that sounds really helpful. Also, I feel pretty down myself as well, but when I am going for a walk I am listening to something motivational on youtube, there are also self affirmations for self love. I have tried just a couple of times, but it really helps for that moment. I‘ve read that when you are hearing something uplifting continuously it helps in a long run. Also, I don‘t know how easy to get something like that where you are, but I know couple of people who went to clinics, where they could live for 6 weeks, there they talk to psychotherapists, do sports, meditation, at least where I am the insurance covers those things and they are very helpful. My girlfriend found a psychotherapist and she is much calmer now, so I would recommend you that. There are so many things that you can try, please just don‘t sit at home and do nothing about it, that doesn‘t help at all.