I'm tired of fighting with depression

Taking the time to yourself is something that sometimes help me. It’s hard to be strong all the time and you have to put yourself first in order to enjoy thoses moments with the people you love that’s understandable. I hope you take time to enjoy just one day to yourself to cry or just be weak and be okay because you can’t lie to yourself about how you feel . If that makes sense

I am just defeated.

Ready to go

I’ve had depression for over a year now and every time I think it gets better it comes back worse. I truly want to keep living for the ones I love and also me, I’m young and I want to see what life has in store. But if I keep going on this downward slope I don’t know if I will be able to keep going and honestly it scares me. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this and the one person I have told usually just brushes me off.

I'm so tired of fighting these depressive episodes I get after having a manic episode. I should note here that I am bipolar, MMD, and have a social anxiety disorder. And I am sure I have ADHD as well but have not been formally diagnosed with that yet. I guess they all kind of go hand in hand at some point, but I had a very bad manic episode about two months ago and since crashing down from it, I have been having a severe depressive episode. I have always suffered from depression since I was a young kid but wasn't officially diagnosed with bipolar until 2006, then MMD the following year, and then two years later social anxiety disorder. But this depressive episode has been one of the longest I have been on. Its been well over a month and a half or so and my doctor and I keep adjusting my medication and it just is not working. I know she is working hard to help me, so I don't fault her at all. And, I know medication reacts differently in each person but I'm so tired of being fatigued, my sleeping pattern erratic, my increased appetite, which does not help my self-image issue I have. I just don't love who I am anymore. I am not the same person I was pre-2006. I was hospitalized three times that year and my work was not supportive at all because they just couldn't look past the stigma of having a mental illness, let alone bipolar disorder. I was basically told that I had two options when I returned from the last hospitalization: 1) resign or 2) they could not have me back anymore and I would be terminated. So I resigned from a job I so loved and worked so hard for, for so many years. It was like my heart was ripped right out of my back and all the hard work stabbed me in the back not once, but several times. Needless to say, it really hit me hard and my doctors said I could no longer live alone and I made the decision to move back home with my parents. I was also told by my doctors I would no longer work because there would be too many triggers that would set me off. So I've been on disability since 2010. It was a reality I could not accept and at times still do not accept. I feel like I am a lazy person who isn't contributing anything to society. But there are days I can not get out of bed because I have no energy or am too sad/depressed to even get up. So I sleep. My personal care has take a back seat during this episode and in the previous episodes. I do not want to go out and be around people. I do all of my doctor appointments online. Only go out if I really need to. Being depressed sucks and the stigma of it all just being in your head really, really, annoys me. I would never wish depression on anyone, let alone bipolar, or any mental illness. I write in my journal over and over again I am just so tired. Tired of trying to do things to get better. I do often wonder if I would be better off not being here. I've lost so much and I'm only 41 y/o. I'm still young, in my eyes. I can't stand this life. And all I can do is keep talking to my doctors, therapist, and support members. But even that, at times, makes me feel so alone in this whole process and makes me wonder if it's worth all this work.

Not wanting to get out of bed. Not enjoying the things I used to. Hiding to cry. Not having anyone to talk to, including my husband, just makes everything worse. Where do I go from here?

@Tescott1981 Hi. I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar, social anxiety disorder and PTSD. The doctor before my current one said I had major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I have also been in the longest bout of depression for the past 3 months. I want to go back to work so bad but my illness makes me unreliable. I too stay isolated in my room and never leave the house. I do have to take my son to and From school but he has been missing days because of my anxiety to leave the house. Everyday I wake up feeling dread of another long pointless day. I don’t feel good enough and I feel so worthless and lonely. So I understand how you feel and it sucks. I feel emotionally detached from my family. The only emotions I have are sad and sometimes mad. Mad that I’m not normal. I’m tired of fighting too. Everyday is a mental battle in my own head. Can I ask what meds you’re on? I’m currently on week 3 of Prozac and mirtazapine for sleep. I wish I could sleep the day away but my mind is so Full of negative self talk. I don’t enjoy anything. I too wonder what the point of this is anymore. I’m only 37 and feel like my life is over.

@Greymate sounds exactly like me! Where do we go? What do we do? I’ve tried med after med and nothing seems to make it any better. My relationship is struggling and my poor son seeing his mom a nervous wreck breaks my heart. I guess we just have to keep fighting. Even though it seems like an endless battle.

@Sadgirl84 I take Bupropion, Xanax, Adderall, Ambien, Pristiq,and one more med that I can't think of off hand

@Mishlou

I hope everything gets better.You have to fight those thoughts.My mom just passed and I have to take on a responsibility of raising my sibling and it’s hard when you don’t know where to turn.I believe there is always a brighter side after turmoil.Keep fighting and pushing forward.