I don’t know what’s real anymore

i never know if how I’m feeling is justified or not. I’ve lost all trust in myself. I can’t trust my friends or family anymore. They all lie to me. They tell me what they think will not upset me. I feel so alone. I try to explain all this to my wife and she just gets mad at me. I feel like a disappointment to her. More like a mental chore. I feel like I’m a bad person because all I do is sit in my bathroom and cry. I stare in the mirror and cry. I hate looking at my body but I do it constantly I can’t help it. It hurts so much but I have to do it. It’s really hard to control my brain all I do is think about all the bad stuff like every time someone hurt me or called me fat it just replays over and over again. I relive those moments everyday. I feel all those feelings again. It’s so bad now that I Am always on edge looking for the next person to hurt me. I don’t trust anyone I can’t. It’s impossible. I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me or they know a secret that will hurt me and that everyone is laughing at me or out to hurt me in some other way. I don’t want to go to work anymore or even eat. Not that I ate a lot anyways. It’s always been this way for me. It’s just too hard to hide from my family anymore. I was on meds but I don’t have insurance anymore so it’s just super bad now. I don’t know what to do! I’m sorry for the word vomit. But thank you I needed someone to “listen”